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Automakers Return to Congress to Beg for More Money while Threatening Economic Armageddon (satire)By Mike Adams, December 3, 2008 | Key concepts: Automakers, Electric cars and Financial bailout (NaturalNews Satire) U.S. automakers have a new plan to present to Congress in their bid to beg for $25 billion in rescue funds. What's the new plan? To stop building crap cars.Consumers might not recognize the vehicles anymore, as they'll actually see them in their driveways instead of the local repair shops, but GM, Ford and Chrysler all agree that to have a successful future, they need to make a big change in their philosophy by focusing on building the kind of cars that actually operate more often than they break. Yep, the auto industry has learned something important from the Federal Reserve: The best way to get your bailout cash is to threaten economic Armageddon. (Or, in the Fed's case, threaten Martial Law.) As part of their "stop building crap" campaign, the big three automakers also announced they would "stop destroying good ideas" like smashing up electric cars and pretending consumers didn't want them. (Who Killed the Electric Car? Automakers did!) A third platform of their reform campaign focuses on their "stop hiring idiots" idea, which would automatically eliminate many top managers from the industry, forcing them to seek employment at the Federal Reserve where bad economic decisions are rewarded, not punished. By packaging these three ideas together -- Stop building crap cars, stop destroying good ideas and stop hiring idiots -- U.S. automakers believe they can restore the industry to its once-illustrious status as domineering producers of oversized, gas-gulping vehicles that are so incredibly reliable, they practically force you to buy an additional warranty on each vehicle before you drive it off the lot. The U.S. government could solve this whole problem by simply buying the U.S. auto industry with another trillion dollars printed up by the Federal Reserve's Insta-Money Counterfeiting Machine! After all, if the government owned the auto industry, nobody would have to meet any more expectations of accountability. They could just make whatever crap cars they've always made, but rename them "Patriot Trucks" and "Freedom Sedans," then emblazon the rear-view mirrors with American flags so that everywhere you look, it's still America! I have an idea for the U.S. auto industry: Why don't you tour Japan for a few years and learn what quality really means? Do those morning jumping jacks before you start work, just like the Japanese workers do. Oh, I forgot, you're too overfed to do a jumping jack. What was I thinking? Maybe all you out-of-shape auto industry executives should stop eating all that junk food and pizza, get off the pharmaceuticals and clear your heads for a year or two so you can actually do your jobs. Because from what the U.S. auto industry has been producing for the last twenty years or so, I can only conclude you people must be smoking crack or injecting each other with experimental forms of Mitsubishi Ecstasy in the hopes that some sort of Japanese technology will float into your consciousness. If I ran NaturalNews the way you've run the U.S. auto industry, I'd be paid $200 million a year, each article would cost $100 to read, and they would contain five random words that make no sense to anybody. And, oh yeah, I would get big bonuses for expanding the articles to SIX words. Gee, I wish I had a cushy auto industry job where I could get paid millions of dollars to produce crap, and then I get to fly a private luxury jet to Washington where I could cash in on billions of dollars in easy government money, all while threatening the collapse of the U.S. economy if I don't get paid my millions. It sure is a lot easier than actually working for a living, huh? Henry Ford would be ASHAMED of what you've done with the auto industry today. You've suppressed new technologies, you're conspired with the oil companies to keep gas mileage low, you've deliberately engineered unsafe cars and lied about their safety, you've ignored the wishes of the customer, you've rewarded incompetence and you've made an embarrassment of the U.S. manufacturing sector. You exemplify everything that's wrong with America today, and if the U.S. auto industry is rescued, I think the very first step should be firing all the executives and reshaping the leadership from scratch. That's the only way you'll end up with a system that works, because the executives that work there now are too cozy and complacent to even remember what real effort feels like. All the best auto workers in the world can't assemble good cars if the executives are too busy squeezing million-dollar bonuses out of the company to remember they're supposed to actually build cars and trucks that people want to buy. Sure, you can blame the unions for their greed in all this, and it's true that they've made building price-competitive automobiles in the U.S. virtually impossible to accomplish (hence the offshoring of so many auto industry jobs), but it all still comes back to the fact that the cars suck because the leadership sucks. And the leadership sucks because the U.S. auto industry is fundamentally dishonest, arrogant and hopelessly out of touch with reality. See a related story at OpEdNews.com: http://www.opednews.com/articles/Th... By the way, please remember that this story was a "satire" piece, which means you're not supposed to take the jokes personally. This is meant as part education and part entertainment. Personally, I hope we DO have an auto industry in the United States. Just not the same one we've had so far. The government should be investing money in an all-new electric car auto industry based in California, not Detroit. The era of the combustion engine is waning. It's time we invested in realistic replacement technologies. What's the No. 1 technology our government should be investing in right now to restore our global dominance in the auto industry? It's a no brainer: Better batteries that pack more energy density into a smaller (and lighter) space. The nation that invents a ten-times-better battery will dominate the industry for the next hundred years.
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