Froot Loops cures cancer! (And other health claims breakfast cereal manufacturers wish they could make) (parody)

Tuesday, November 03, 2009
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of (See all articles...)
Tags: breakfast cereals, health news, Natural News

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(NaturalNews) Have you heard the news? Froot Loops are a "Smart Choice" for children's health (even though they're made with 40% sugar), and Cocoa Krispies can boost your immunity! (

But there's more to this story. NaturalNews contacted employees of Kellogg's, General Mills and Post to find out what future cereal health claims they might be floating. And guess what? They sent us actual box mockups that depict the new, upcoming health claims you'll soon be seeing on grocery store shelves! (Not really... this article is a parody, but I figured you already knew that...)

Froot Loops now cures cancer! It must be all the different colors. They always say eat a variety of different colors of food to stay healthy, and Froot Loops provides them all!

Cap'n Crunch now gives you washboard abs. Get it? Crunches...

Cheerios solves chronic stress! (It also helps with sleep disorders by boring you to sleep...)

Frosted Flakes for breakfast: Rise and shine!

It's more about the bunches than the honey, believe me...

Guys will buy anything if it will snare some babes...

There's almost no honey in Honey Smacks, by the way. The first 3 ingredients are sugar, wheat and corn syrup...

Hurry, somebody tell Congress!

About these cereal boxes

I couldn't help creating these after reading about the Cocoa Krispies "immunity" claim. I wondered: What sort of claims would cereal companies try next? From there, it just morphed into a bizarre parody of all our favorite childhood cereals. Feel free to share this article (and the pictures), and please credit NaturalNews with a link to this article. Thank you!

I don't know about you, but I grew up eating all this crap, which might be one of the reasons why I was nearly diabetic by age 30. But after ditching processed sugar, sodas, cow's milk and most factory foods, I was able to reverse that condition and stay healthy to this day. (Drinking lots of raw vegetable and fruit juices also made a huge difference.)

Frankly, I'm surprised that I even survived my childhood, considering all the sugary cereals and MSG-laced snack chips I ate on a regular basis. Luckily, though, I lived to tell this story -- and I hope your kids do, too. For God's sake don't let your kids eat sugary breakfast cereals. Feed 'em Kashi or granola, and watch the sugar content in those, too. Better yet, give them some fresh fruit juice (raw, living juice) with some home-made whole-grain bread or something. They may resist it at first, but twenty years later, they'll thank you for it.

Plus, you won't have to pay their hospital bills for diabetes treatments.

By the way, the images in this story are pure parody. Cereal makers aren't actually planning on making these ridiculous claims...

...or are they?

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is the founding editor of, the internet's No. 1 natural health news website, now reaching 7 million unique readers a month.

In late 2013, Adams launched the Natural News Forensic Food Lab, where he conducts atomic spectroscopy research into food contaminants using high-end ICP-MS instrumentation. With this research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products to low levels by July 1, 2015.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power, a massive research resource now featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released ten popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at

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