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Emergency holiday alert: Black Friday CANCELLED due to politically incorrect name (satire)

Black Friday

(NaturalNews) [Editor's note: The following is a politically incorrect satire piece intended to highlight the utter ridiculousness of today's politically correct culture. PLEASE BE OFFENDED AND THEN WHINE ABOUT IT...]

The ultra-popular "Black Friday" has been completely canceled for 2015 because certain Americans are up-in-arms about its racist name, and its connotations of "cheapness" with which millions of blacks in the United States do not want to be associated.

Until they call it "Shades of Gray Friday" it will not and cannot continue.

"Shades-of-Gray Friday" for 2016?

Obama has called in the National Guard for all metropolitan cities that may be "under siege" when the stores all open and the prices are the same as they were before Thanksgiving. People might freak out, especially those who are taking psych-meds and have been playing violent video games – they may think they're still at home shopping online, and then attempt to use their carry (video joystick) to shoot someone over this racist sale ritual that's not even happening.

Life's not just about bargain-basement prices on televisions and video games; it's about everyone here in the American melting-pot respecting the color of each other's skin and not trying to kill people just because they named a holiday with a racist term. – Anonymous concerned consumer.

I wanted to buy a huge confederate flag for the top of our house, but they're just too expensive, so I went with the Nazi swastika one from Amazon. – Fritz Meer

I suggested they use the term "Rainbow Friday" but the gay community is up in arms over that, saying they patented the rainbow and nobody can use it for anything that doesn't represent gay, trans or bi-lifestyle. – Cris Gayz

Since the Baltimore riots and that dang staged church shooting in Charleston, South Carolina, we simply don't want to engage, antagonize or "throw fuel on the fire" of the whole black/white conversation. It's really ticking like a time bomb, and nobody wants to just go out shopping in the name of "Black Friday" and talk about all the great "cheap" deals they got. It just sounds wrong, and it's definitely not PC.

It's kind of like the whole Washington "Redskins" thing, where the name means that these people with red skin are supposed to be representing a whole region, or city, or sports team that doesn't even have any players on it that are Native American. How rude! So how can people get up in the middle of the night and wait outside stores in extremely long lines on "Black Friday," and not expect to instigate race wars and race riots by just showing up and supporting some racist bulls##t like this? People are furious and the whole thing is simply canceled until they change the name.

In opposition to the Black Friday ban and protest, the KKK have gathered more than 5,000 members and stormed the University of Missouri campus, demanding that Black Friday still happens, saying our economy can't take the hit right now if nobody spends their cold, hard cash on gifts they don't need. Their signs say: "Black Friday is for White People too" and "Our safe spaces include Walmart!"

"White Friday" is Out of the Question

Let's face it, there's no way they can call it White Friday, or Redskin Saturday, or Jew'd down Sunday – that would be offensive. Whatever the new name for next year, it surely won't have a color in it, unless of course, everybody likes "Shades of Gray Friday." But that sounds more like a senior citizen sex romp than a shopping bonanza...

The Obama Administration recognizes that illegal immigrants need really good deals, like those offered on Black Friday, so it may be called "Free Taco Friday" next year and could be sponsored by Taco Bell. A raffle will be offered to those buying five tacos or more, with the winner getting a free backpack leaf blower!

Only time will tell. Meanwhile, stay away from Walmart and Kmart and the "dark" malls where danger lurks and the politically correct nanny state police will be arresting anyone who pays less than half price for anything. Good luck!

Sources for this article include:





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