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The Weiner rules: Ten new laws to be enacted if Anthony Weiner becomes mayor (satire)

Friday, July 26, 2013
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: Anthony Weiner, Carlos Danger, sexting

Anthony Weiner

(NaturalNews) It's Friday and I've had an intense week, so for the sake of some public humor at the expense of someone who clearly deserves it, here are the top ten new laws you'll see in New York City if Anthony Weiner becomes mayor.

Read the list (if you dare), have a laugh, and enjoy your Friday. (Warning, mature content... or highly immature, come to think of it.)

#1) The Weiner Freedom Initiative - Based on the idea that weiners have been locked up and zipped up -- i.e. "incarcerated" -- for generations, the Weiner Freedom Initiative would grant weiners citizen status, allowing them to obtain New York driver's licenses and vote in political erections.

#2 The Big Brother Weiner Sex Surveillance Act - This special law allows the Mayor of New York to surveil, in real time, anyone engaged in sex acts, anywhere throughout the city. It's all part of protecting New Yorkers from terrorists, of course! (Hat tip to Anthony Gucciardi for this completely inappropriate suggestion...)

#3 The Pension-To-Penis Rehabilitation Act - This very important law will confiscate all police and firefighter pension funds and redirect them to the purchase of a 10-year supply of Viagra for all men over the age of 40... who just happen to be police and firefighters. So instead of retirement funds, they will receive boner meds. HECK YEAH!

#4) The Child Sexting Protection Act - this act is designed to protect minors from prosecution under child porn laws if they happen to text each other nude photos of themselves. The act also protects children if they sext pictures to Mayor Weiner.

#5) The Hemp and Polygamy Legalization Act - Mayor Weiner wants to legalize hemp, but not as much as he wants to legalize polygamy! Smoke a joint, gather some gals, and pretend you're Carlos Danger...

Oh, speaking of Carlos Danger:

#6) Carlos Danger Appreciation Day - We all love Carlos Danger! He's an international man of mystery... and maybe even an undocumented immigrant, too! He's got an insatiable appetite for loving all New Yorkers. Or at least the ones with female body parts who are under the age of 25...

#7) The "Scripted Wife" Provision - This provision of New York marriage law will allow all husbands to force their wives to read from scripts any time they get caught cheating over and over again with multiple sex partners.

#8) The Crotch Crusader Indemnification Act - Part of the "Weiner freedom" initiative (see above), the Crotch Crusader Indemnification Act will indemnify and grant "superhero" status to any Democrat whose crotch photos appear on the internet. The act does not apply to Republicans because their crotches are considered crimes against humanity.

#9) Presumed Consent Bestiality Provision - If children can be granted presumed consent for vaccinations, and voters can be assumed to have granted presumed consent for organ donation, why not allow perverted politicians to presume that animals have given their consent, too? After all, there's nothing too weird that would cause Weiner to actually quit the Mayor's race in humiliation... not even getting caught with a squirrel in his pants.

Question: How do you know when your sex addiction has gone too far?

Answer: When the photos of you and your sex partners that appear on the internet need a zoologist to interpret.

#10) The Sexting-For-Lunch-Money Teen Support Program - This program allows New York politicians to "sponsor" teenage college students by providing them lunch money in exchange for sexting photos. Mayor Weiner plans to support a LOT of teens with this program. After all, he's pro-education!

Got comments? Please post below. And just remember: After the first apology, I stayed silent. After the second, I held my tongue. But after the third, Weiner is fair game, folks. He is an embarrassment to men everywhere.

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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