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CDC approves Vitamin D-Nial drug to halt spread of Ebola (satire)


Ebola outbreak
(NaturalNews) We're saved! The CDC has now partnered with the FDA to approve a new medical treatment for Ebola, guaranteed to offer 100% protection against the coming pandemic. The new anti-Ebola drug is called "Vitamin D-Nial" and will be offered free of charge at all voting booths on November 4.

CDC director Thomas Frieden held a well-attended press conference this morning, announcing that "When it comes to Ebola, D-Nial is the answer!" He also promised to send thousands of CDC agents into the field, "armed with D-Nial" to halt the perception of the pandemic.

When asked why a CDC employee called "clipboard man" was recently seen walking around the airport tarmac right next to an infected Ebola patient surrounded by medical staffers in hazmat suits, Dr. Frieden simply answered that "D-Nial is the only Ebola protection anyone really needs."

D-Nial is the answer to Ebola hysteria

Upon seeing the CDC's astounding news, media outlets such as the New York Times immediately followed with front-page headlines like, "D-Nial is Answer to Ebola Hysteria!" and "America cheers for D-Nial!"

While taking credit for providing the research funding that resulted in the commercialization of D-Nial, the NIH also complained about the small size of its multi-billion-dollar budget which is sadly only larger than 153 world nations. "If we had been granted another billion dollars in research funding earlier," NIH spokesperson Dr. Fauci explained, "We all could have achieved the power of D-Nial far sooner."

In honoring the invention of Vitamin D-Nial, President Obama announced a plan to cover the drug free of charge for all Obamacare participants, calling it the "Obamacare Health Insurance D-Nial Plan."

Offering further praise of D-Nial, President Barack Obama signed an executive order this morning declaring the month of November, 2014 to be "D-Nial Month." During this month, the President said, "Americans should celebrate the power of D-Nial and the brilliant people who came up with it." A Nobel Prize in Science is expected to be awarded, shortly after President Obama bombs another country or two in honor of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Vitamin D-Nial is administered rectally

Vitamin D-Nial is unfortunately administered rectally, but former TSA agents have been hired by Walgreens and CVS to deliver the medicine with experience and precision. The CDC is now preparing to plaster retail pharmacies with posters that declare, "Bend over for public health! Your dose of D-Nial is ready!"

Other patriotic posters in the planning stages will depict a line of smiling Americans bent over at the hips, saluting to the Con-mander in Chief while receiving their mandated doses, accompanied by the slogan, "My D-Nial saved my baby" and "When it comes to public health, nothing works as good as D-Nial."

D-Nial might also work on superbugs

The inventors of D-Nial, a team of brilliant Big Pharma researchers who also invented ADHD and other fictional diseases, is now hopeful that D-Nial can be applied to many other potential health care challenges of our time.

"We think that D-Nial might also work to solve the problem of superbugs spreading through U.S. hospitals due to the medical abuse of antibiotics," the researchers stated. "D-Nial has already proven itself to be such a powerful component of modern medicine that we see a wealth of applications across the industry."

Vitamin D-Nial now takes its place among extraordinary government-funded medical discoveries such as the now-famous "Vitamin C Something Say Something" medicine invented by President Obama's paranoia ministers.

A similar medical discovery expected to be announced later this year is reportedly called "Vitamin B Afraid of ISIS" whose sales will help fund the endless U.S. war effort against imaginary enemies that are used to frighten the American public into supporting a military surveillance state.

When it comes to solving problems with drugs, nothing beats government ingenuity. Because when times get tough, the one thing all U.S. government leaders have learned and mastered is that D-Nial is always the answer.
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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose descendents include Africans and American Indians. He self-identifies as being of American Indian heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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