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Dealing with rejection from your 'un-family' of origin

Thursday, March 21, 2013 by: Mike Bundrant
Tags: family, rejection, dysfunctional

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(NaturalNews) Some families are not close and supportive, were never set up to be close and supportive. Rather, they are dysfunctional.

This is not pessimism, but a hindsight view of families based on research that some family conflict is perpetual. It has no resolution, because it is based on lasting differences in personalities and needs. The differences are in place between mom and dad long before the kids are born and things just snowball over time.

In these 'un-family units' with impossible issues, time spent together is like hanging out in emotional hell. If you come from such a family, the best thing to do is have little contact with them and invest yourself heavily in creating a very different kind of family that is capable of being close to you and to whom you are willing to be close.

Most people who come from alienated, dysfunctional 'un-families' do not do this.

They cling to the idea that their dysfunctional un-family-of-origin was 'supposed' to be a loving family and proceed in adulthood to create new families that continue a similar cycle of alienation. Or, they find some other reason to hang onto the dysfunction.

If you are hanging in there with an impossible family, how do you justify it?

You might be telling yourself, "I can't give up on them! They are my family. There is always hope! What kind of monster abandons family?" You take satisfaction in your self-righteous loyalty to rejecting and being rejected over and over.

There is not always hope that a dysfunctional family will heal

For healing to happen, the individuals involved must become interested in healing work, like therapy or personal growth. They need to consciously engage in the process and stick with it over a period of time. Until that happens, healing won't happen. As long as the people involved are not willing to learn and grow, everyone continues to feel bad.

Staying involved with an un-family is a form self-sabotage. It is hard to avoid because it is very, very difficult to see. And it feels so familiar to stay involved in your family of origin drama, I know.

Let's look at un-families. They:

1. Do not speak freely to each other. Rather, they monitor their words with caution.

2. Do not feel free to be themselves with each other or share their real interests.

3. Are ridden with guilt and shame that they often cannot explain. It seems they feel bad just for existing.

4. They do not reach out to each other and are hard pressed to call upon each other even for special occasions like birthdays and holidays.

5. They often hate each other and hold monumental grudges over little things, but do not attempt to settle differences or communicate maturely.

6. They tend to reproduce un-families and continue the fun for generations.

Basically, un-families are torture chambers full of demons looming in the background of our lives, waiting the right moment to show up and wreak havoc. It's strangely delicious for millions. Keep returning to your un-family, asking directly or indirectly for things they will not provide, participating in activities that are not any fun, hoping for reconciliation that will never happen.

This is called milking rejection

If you are investing yourself in a family that has dished out decades of misery, then you are milking misery. You may be unconsciously (unwittingly) milking it, however, which may lead to running around with a vague sense of guilt.

The guilt is due to the fact that you are milking rejection, denial, shame, deprivation and other stuff you are unconsciously attached to in that familiar place of misery in your breast that you have come to call home. You are setting yourself up to be knocked down emotionally again and again. I can say all this because I have done my share of it.

So, stop. You probably know how to avoid it, right? If not, then you need to figure it out. Get help. Go to a therapist or coach and blow their mind by saying, "I have been milking rejection from my un-family of origin for a long time now and I need to stop so I can begin to enjoy my life."

When I finally stopped trying to get what I needed from my family of origin, it was a revelation. It freed me to commit myself to people with whom I could get a fair return on the emotional investment. I learned to let go over time, based on the AHA Process. Please watch the free video if you think you might come from an un-family. Living in frustration is not necessary.

About the author:
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.

The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down.

Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.

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