weight loss

Higgs boson discovery leads to FDA-approved 'mass reduction' weight loss therapy (satire)

Wednesday, July 04, 2012
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: Higgs boson, God particle, weight loss

eTrust Pro Certified

Most Viewed Articles
Popular on Facebook
The five biggest lies about Ebola being pushed by government and mass media
Why does the CDC own a patent on Ebola 'invention?'
White House admits staging fake vaccination operation to gather DNA from the public
Ultraviolet light robot kills Ebola in two minutes; why doesn't every hospital have one of these?
EXCLUSIVE: Natural News tests flu vaccine for heavy metals, finds 25,000 times higher mercury level than EPA limit for water
Truvia sweetener a powerful pesticide; scientists shocked as fruit flies die in less than a week from eating GMO-derived erythritol
Irrefutable proof we are all being sprayed with poison: 571 tons of toxic lead 'chemtrailed' into America's skies every year
Russia taking McDonald's to court, threatens countrywide shutdown
Oregon man serving prison sentence for collecting rainwater on his own property
The best way to help your body protect itself against Ebola (or any virus or bacteria)
Senator who attacked Doctor Oz over dietary supplements received over $146,000 in campaign contributions from Big Pharma mega-retailer and Monsanto
Global warming data FAKED by government to fit climate change fictions
Healthy 12-year-old girl dies shortly after receiving HPV vaccine
Ebola outbreak may already be uncontrollable; Monsanto invests in Ebola treatment drug company as pandemic spreads
HOAX confirmed: Michelle Obama 'GMOs for children' campaign a parody of modern agricultural politics
Ben & Jerry's switches to non-GMO, Fair Trade ice cream ingredients
W.H.O. contradicts CDC, admits Ebola can spread via coughing, sneezing and by touching contaminated surfaces
BREAKING: CDC whistleblower confesses to MMR vaccine research fraud in historic public statement

Delicious
(NaturalNews) The extraordinary discovery of the Higgs boson particle, long sought after in the physics community to help explain the "Standard Model" of physical reality, took the world by storm today. Achieving a 5-sigma level of statistical significance, the supercollider data show with almost complete certainty that the Higgs boson -- the "God particle" -- really exists. But the question remains: What use is it?

Aside from the fact that without the Higgs field, the cosmos as we know it would cease to function, the far more important application in a culture largely devoid of scientific education is weight loss. Fortunately, scientists at CERN have already found a way to turn this multi-billion-dollar experiment into a medical weight loss breakthrough, which is of course far more important than understanding the origins of the universe.

"The Higgs particle is responsible for all mass," explained CERN scientist Dr. Larry Chekov. "By stripping Higgs particles from a given human specimen, we can make human beings massless."

First you get really heavy, and then you hit the wall

Call it "the ultimate weight loss," if you wish. After this treatment -- soon to be offered inside the Large Hadron Collider itself -- patients will emerge as human beings without mass. "You will weigh exactly nothing," Dr. Chekov explained.

The Higgs Weight Loss Treatment, as it is now being billed, involves being stuffed into the Large Hadron Collider and accelerated to 99.99999999% the speed of light, which may cause nausea in some people, according to the FDA. At this speed, the average person's body initially takes on enormous mass, causing them to become extremely obese. This obesity is only momentary, however, as their body is almost instantly smashed against a blunt surface that causes the atomic components of their body's cells to splatter in all directions. A team of physics department interns then painstakingly plucks all the Higgs particles out of the air using entangled pairs of microscopic chopsticks, just before the body slams back together in its new, massless configuration, ready for primetime television.

"It's relatively painless," explained Chekov, "generally relativistically speaking."

What it all means, really

Scientists are expected to start Hawking the procedure as a new Greene technology to help people avoid becoming Bohred with their bodies. If people are tired of their Heaviside from reaching their body weight Max, well they can now do something about it, at least Fara day if not for a lifetime.

Dr. Senberg, the medical operations officer for the new procedure, greets everybody with a courteous hello, to which his assistants respond, "Hi, Senberg," but always with a sense of uncertainty.

Enhancements to body shape and size may also be possible with the Higgs Weight Loss Therapy, including sexual enhancements for men to give them bigger and stronger Boltzmanns. For women, saggy butts can be made more Fermi.

Convincing the initial test subjects to undergo the procedure was a challenge, everyone admits. "We wanted to test men, and then release men," explained one of the assistants, "but first we had to Feynman who were willing to participate, and that wasn't easy."

"Don't Teller," quipped Dr. Senberg, "but we already found Watt we want. He's a Young guy, a real Joule, and he swears the procedure never Hertz."

Some patients emerge from the procedure with a Planck stare and a sense of being belittled by "Ler" the lab assistant, but when Dr. Senberg tried to give Ler away, she wouldn't leave his general orbit so he just Kepler around because of her consistent motion. She was good at Hubbling, it turns out.

Strange side effects may appear

The FDA says it may require scientists to warn people about the side effects of having no mass. They include slowly drifting away from the planet's surface and out of the sun's orbit, an inability to play kickball without being toppled over by the ball, and ejecting yourself into the bathroom ceiling from passing gas on the toilet.

None of these are considered a barrier to FDA approval, however, since the FDA approves anything as long as there is scientific proof that it will make money.

For more information about the Large Hadron Collider and the upcoming Higgs Weight Loss Therapy which removes all mass from the abdominal region (and thighs, too, for an extra fee), visit the LHC website at:

http://public.web.cern.ch/public/

Editor's note: This satire article is meant in good fun. We admire the physicists at the LHC and appreciate their significant contributions to the world of knowledge. The confirmation of the Higgs boson is a true milestone in the history of science. Now if they would only start searching for the "consciousness particle," things would get even more interesting, eh?

Join over four million monthly readers. Your privacy is protected. Unsubscribe at any time.


About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is the founding editor of NaturalNews.com, the internet's No. 1 natural health news website, now reaching 7 million unique readers a month.

In late 2013, Adams launched the Natural News Forensic Food Lab, where he conducts atomic spectroscopy research into food contaminants using high-end ICP-MS instrumentation. With this research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products to low levels by July 1, 2015.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource now featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released ten popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

comments powered by Disqus
Take Action: Support NaturalNews.com by linking back to this article from your website

Permalink to this article:

Embed article link: (copy HTML code below):

Reprinting this article:
Non-commercial use OK, cite NaturalNews.com with clickable link.

Follow Natural News on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, and Pinterest

Advertise with NaturalNews...

Support NaturalNews Sponsors:

Advertise with NaturalNews...

GET SHOW DETAILS
+ a FREE GIFT

Sign up for the FREE Natural News Email Newsletter

Receive breaking news on GMOs, vaccines, fluoride, radiation protection, natural cures, food safety alerts and interviews with the world's top experts on natural health and more.

Join over 7 million monthly readers of NaturalNews.com, the internet's No. 1 natural health news site. (Source: Alexa.com)

Your email address *

Please enter the code you see above*

No Thanks

Already have it and love it!

Natural News supports and helps fund these organizations:

* Required. Once you click submit, we will send you an email asking you to confirm your free registration. Your privacy is assured and your information is kept confidential. You may unsubscribe at anytime.