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Higgs boson discovery leads to FDA-approved 'mass reduction' weight loss therapy (satire)

Wednesday, July 04, 2012
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: Higgs boson, God particle, weight loss

Higgs boson

(NaturalNews) The extraordinary discovery of the Higgs boson particle, long sought after in the physics community to help explain the "Standard Model" of physical reality, took the world by storm today. Achieving a 5-sigma level of statistical significance, the supercollider data show with almost complete certainty that the Higgs boson -- the "God particle" -- really exists. But the question remains: What use is it?

Aside from the fact that without the Higgs field, the cosmos as we know it would cease to function, the far more important application in a culture largely devoid of scientific education is weight loss. Fortunately, scientists at CERN have already found a way to turn this multi-billion-dollar experiment into a medical weight loss breakthrough, which is of course far more important than understanding the origins of the universe.

"The Higgs particle is responsible for all mass," explained CERN scientist Dr. Larry Chekov. "By stripping Higgs particles from a given human specimen, we can make human beings massless."

First you get really heavy, and then you hit the wall

Call it "the ultimate weight loss," if you wish. After this treatment -- soon to be offered inside the Large Hadron Collider itself -- patients will emerge as human beings without mass. "You will weigh exactly nothing," Dr. Chekov explained.

The Higgs Weight Loss Treatment, as it is now being billed, involves being stuffed into the Large Hadron Collider and accelerated to 99.99999999% the speed of light, which may cause nausea in some people, according to the FDA. At this speed, the average person's body initially takes on enormous mass, causing them to become extremely obese. This obesity is only momentary, however, as their body is almost instantly smashed against a blunt surface that causes the atomic components of their body's cells to splatter in all directions. A team of physics department interns then painstakingly plucks all the Higgs particles out of the air using entangled pairs of microscopic chopsticks, just before the body slams back together in its new, massless configuration, ready for primetime television.

"It's relatively painless," explained Chekov, "generally relativistically speaking."

What it all means, really

Scientists are expected to start Hawking the procedure as a new Greene technology to help people avoid becoming Bohred with their bodies. If people are tired of their Heaviside from reaching their body weight Max, well they can now do something about it, at least Fara day if not for a lifetime.

Dr. Senberg, the medical operations officer for the new procedure, greets everybody with a courteous hello, to which his assistants respond, "Hi, Senberg," but always with a sense of uncertainty.

Enhancements to body shape and size may also be possible with the Higgs Weight Loss Therapy, including sexual enhancements for men to give them bigger and stronger Boltzmanns. For women, saggy butts can be made more Fermi.

Convincing the initial test subjects to undergo the procedure was a challenge, everyone admits. "We wanted to test men, and then release men," explained one of the assistants, "but first we had to Feynman who were willing to participate, and that wasn't easy."

"Don't Teller," quipped Dr. Senberg, "but we already found Watt we want. He's a Young guy, a real Joule, and he swears the procedure never Hertz."

Some patients emerge from the procedure with a Planck stare and a sense of being belittled by "Ler" the lab assistant, but when Dr. Senberg tried to give Ler away, she wouldn't leave his general orbit so he just Kepler around because of her consistent motion. She was good at Hubbling, it turns out.

Strange side effects may appear

The FDA says it may require scientists to warn people about the side effects of having no mass. They include slowly drifting away from the planet's surface and out of the sun's orbit, an inability to play kickball without being toppled over by the ball, and ejecting yourself into the bathroom ceiling from passing gas on the toilet.

None of these are considered a barrier to FDA approval, however, since the FDA approves anything as long as there is scientific proof that it will make money.

For more information about the Large Hadron Collider and the upcoming Higgs Weight Loss Therapy which removes all mass from the abdominal region (and thighs, too, for an extra fee), visit the LHC website at:


Editor's note: This satire article is meant in good fun. We admire the physicists at the LHC and appreciate their significant contributions to the world of knowledge. The confirmation of the Higgs boson is a true milestone in the history of science. Now if they would only start searching for the "consciousness particle," things would get even more interesting, eh?

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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