(NaturalNews) Last Wednesday night, I just couldn't sleep. The story of traveler John Tyner just stuck in my head. "Don't Touch My Junk" seemed to be a powerful statement from a regular guy standing up to Big Brother. It was the linguistic equivalent of that Chinese student standing in the path of a tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989. And the phrase "Don't Touch My Junk" kept rolling around inside my head.
So instead of trying (and failing) to go to sleep, I got up from my bed and started typing lyrics into my laptop computer. And then the music suddenly struck me -- I had recently licensed a song by an amazing composer (Dan Gautreau) that seemed to fit perfectly with this idea, so I began to put the lyrics together with the song. Almost instantly, the chorus line of "Don't Touch My Junk" was formed.
Recording the song in just 9 hours
The next day, I started recording this song at about 1 pm. Amazingly, I finished it by 10 pm. Yes -- this entire song took no more than nine hours to fully record, mix and produce. I could hardly believe it myself, actually, because usually these things take many days or even weeks to nail down. But this one was just unbelievably rapid because I did all the recording myself, on my laptop, using a high-end microphone and audio input device.
The song contains over 440 individual recordings of my voice, singing the lead lines, harmonies, rap lines, etc. The only voice in the song that isn't mine is the scream.
All the harmonies are 100% natural. I don't use automatic harmonizers. I just sing the harmonies myself and bang them out with eight to twelve layers. As I've been recording a lot of songs lately, this process is becoming very efficient, and I can nail the harmonies usually with the first take (practice makes perfect, huh?).
But I have to admit that after singing 440+ lines in nine hours, my voice was fairly stressed for the day. That's a stretch for any recording artist.
Where the lyrics came from
In terms of the lyrics, my goal was to make this song funny, edgy and even slightly graphic (but not gross). I wanted it to tell the truth about what's going on in the airports these days, but not to turn people off from getting too detailed about the TSA's molestation of little kids, for example. That's just too graphic to put into a song.
It's a delicate balance. It's hard to make a topic this serious sound funny at the same time. After all, we're talking about our freedoms here. Frankly, this is no laughing matter, but the "don't touch my junk" line was just begging for a comedy treatment with a serious message, so I went for it.
On projects like these, you never really know what the public will think. No doubt a few people will decide to be offended by the lyrics, but imagine how much more offended they must feel by the TSA agents who actually perform these acts!
I think singing as a form of public protest is an important expression that will hopefully raise the kind of awareness that can lead to real changes. After all, it is rather ridiculous that we Americans living here in the "Land of the Free" are being molested by our own government agents in the name of "security."
Origins of some of the lines
On another topic, you may notice in the song some lines borrowed from the song "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. That's where the line "This ain't your lovely lady lump" comes from.
I also borrowed from MC Hammer with the "Don't Touch This" line that just fit perfectly in the song.
The "Lordy Lordy I declare..." line is from an old schoolyard rhyme that today's youth are probably not that familiar with, but anyone over the age of 40 will instantly recognize it. The rhyme really does mention "London" and "France" which just happens to rhyme with "underpants." This is not some sleight towards France, by the way. It's just the way the rhyme goes. If anything, France's airport security procedures make a lot more sense than America's these days...
I originally recorded it as "Irish Kilt" but then I realized that kilts, even though they were used by the Irish, are more frequently associated with Scots. A "true Scotsman" was a man who wore a kilt with no undergarments. So I went with the Scottish kilt for the song.
In all, this song is really a conglomeration of ideas, sentiments and concerns carried in the minds of millions of Americans right now. It merely reflects what they're thinking -- and perhaps what they want to say -- with the benefit of being wrapped inside a comedic musical presentation that's fully protected by Free Speech (the First Amendment, of course).
That's the thing about the Amendments in the Bill of Rights: Each one helps protect the other one. Without the First Amendment, I couldn't write this song. And frankly, without the Second Amendment, Big Brother wouldn't bother paying any attention to the People at all. Each of the first 10 Amendments in the Bill of Rights are hugely important to our freedoms. And the entire point of creating the Bill of Rights was to protect the People from government tyranny.
In other words, the Bill of Rights was created precisely to protect us from the kind of thing we're suffering under today with the TSA -- an unreasonable, even criminal invasion of our personal space by overzealous government thugs on some sort of runaway power trip.
I hope you enjoy this song and share it with your friends. Spread the word that Americans will not put up with TSA tyranny. Big Brother does not have any rights to the junk in your trunk.
The complete lyrics to the song "Don't Touch My Junk (The TSA Hustle)"
I went to the airport To catch my flight The TSA put me in the Naked body scanner line
I don't want radiation So I opted out (opt out!) But when they grabbed my man junk I couldn't help myself I had to shout, I had to shout, I had to get my message out, I said
Don't touch my junk Don't touch my junk I'll have you arrested If you touch my junk Don't touch my junk This ain't your lovely lady lump I don't want to be molested So don't touch my junk
So I went back Wearing a Scottish kilt I popped three Viagra To make sure my stuff would not wilt
When it came my turn For that nasty pat down They thought I had a weapon So they made me pull it out
Don't touch my junk Don't touch my junk I'll have you arrested If you touch my junk Don't touch my junk Let go of my hump my hump my hump I don't want to be molested So don't touch my junk
Now who put these morons with a badge in charge, and gave them the right to molest us in the name of security?
Don't touch my junk (can't touch this) Don't touch my junk (can't touch this) They X-rayed my bags and then They patted down my elephant trunk
They went up my shorts They went down my pants This ain't romance No it's the TSA hustle They felt me up While they put me down They squeezed my butt In that TSA hustle
This is happening in the land of the free? Alex Jones was right! I'm gonna smuggle a copy of the Bill of Rights next to my body, so when they reach down there they get a hand full of Fourth Amendment.
Lordy Lordy I declare Big Brother's in my underwear Fly to London, fly to France Big Sis checkin' out my underpants
They went up my shorts (can't touch this) They went down my pants (can't touch this) This ain't romance No it's the TSA hustle They felt me up Like they were my personal physician Put your hands in the air In the surrender position
This ain't security And this ain't sex It's some other kind of tyranny And now you're next
It's time to stop these Big Brother Nazi thugs Next time you fly just tell 'em Don't touch my junk
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About the author: Mike Adams is a consumer health advocate and award-winning journalist with a mission to teach personal and planetary health to the public He has authored and published thousands of articles, interviews, consumers guides, and books on topics like health and the environment, and he has created several downloadable courses on survival and preparedness, including his widely-downloaded course on personal safety and self-defense. Adams is an independent journalist with strong ethics who does not get paid to write articles about any product or company. In mid 2010, Adams produced TV.NaturalNews.com, a natural health video sharing website offering user-generated videos on nutrition, green living, fitness and more. He's also a noted technology pioneer and founded a software company in 1993 that developed the HTML email newsletter software currently powering the NaturalNews subscriptions. Adams volunteers his time to serve as the executive director of the Consumer Wellness Center, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization, and enjoys outdoor activities, nature photography, Pilates and martial arts training.
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