Don't Touch my Junk - Here's why I wrote this song (Health Ranger)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of (See all articles...)
Tags: Don't Touch My Junk song, Health Ranger, health news

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(NaturalNews) Last Wednesday night, I just couldn't sleep. The story of traveler John Tyner just stuck in my head. "Don't Touch My Junk" seemed to be a powerful statement from a regular guy standing up to Big Brother. It was the linguistic equivalent of that Chinese student standing in the path of a tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989. And the phrase "Don't Touch My Junk" kept rolling around inside my head.

So instead of trying (and failing) to go to sleep, I got up from my bed and started typing lyrics into my laptop computer. And then the music suddenly struck me -- I had recently licensed a song by an amazing composer (Dan Gautreau) that seemed to fit perfectly with this idea, so I began to put the lyrics together with the song. Almost instantly, the chorus line of "Don't Touch My Junk" was formed.

Recording the song in just 9 hours

The next day, I started recording this song at about 1 pm. Amazingly, I finished it by 10 pm. Yes -- this entire song took no more than nine hours to fully record, mix and produce. I could hardly believe it myself, actually, because usually these things take many days or even weeks to nail down. But this one was just unbelievably rapid because I did all the recording myself, on my laptop, using a high-end microphone and audio input device.

The song contains over 440 individual recordings of my voice, singing the lead lines, harmonies, rap lines, etc. The only voice in the song that isn't mine is the scream.

All the harmonies are 100% natural. I don't use automatic harmonizers. I just sing the harmonies myself and bang them out with eight to twelve layers. As I've been recording a lot of songs lately, this process is becoming very efficient, and I can nail the harmonies usually with the first take (practice makes perfect, huh?).

But I have to admit that after singing 440+ lines in nine hours, my voice was fairly stressed for the day. That's a stretch for any recording artist.

Where the lyrics came from

In terms of the lyrics, my goal was to make this song funny, edgy and even slightly graphic (but not gross). I wanted it to tell the truth about what's going on in the airports these days, but not to turn people off from getting too detailed about the TSA's molestation of little kids, for example. That's just too graphic to put into a song.

It's a delicate balance. It's hard to make a topic this serious sound funny at the same time. After all, we're talking about our freedoms here. Frankly, this is no laughing matter, but the "don't touch my junk" line was just begging for a comedy treatment with a serious message, so I went for it.

On projects like these, you never really know what the public will think. No doubt a few people will decide to be offended by the lyrics, but imagine how much more offended they must feel by the TSA agents who actually perform these acts!

I think singing as a form of public protest is an important expression that will hopefully raise the kind of awareness that can lead to real changes. After all, it is rather ridiculous that we Americans living here in the "Land of the Free" are being molested by our own government agents in the name of "security."

Origins of some of the lines

On another topic, you may notice in the song some lines borrowed from the song "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. That's where the line "This ain't your lovely lady lump" comes from.

I also borrowed from MC Hammer with the "Don't Touch This" line that just fit perfectly in the song.

The "Lordy Lordy I declare..." line is from an old schoolyard rhyme that today's youth are probably not that familiar with, but anyone over the age of 40 will instantly recognize it. The rhyme really does mention "London" and "France" which just happens to rhyme with "underpants." This is not some sleight towards France, by the way. It's just the way the rhyme goes. If anything, France's airport security procedures make a lot more sense than America's these days...

The Scottish Kilt idea was borrowed from a journalist named Jeffrey Goldberg who writes for The Atlantic ( He wrote about this a few days ago as a form of public protest against the TSA's unreasonable searches. It was a brilliant idea and I wanted to reflect it in the song.

I originally recorded it as "Irish Kilt" but then I realized that kilts, even though they were used by the Irish, are more frequently associated with Scots. A "true Scotsman" was a man who wore a kilt with no undergarments. So I went with the Scottish kilt for the song.

In all, this song is really a conglomeration of ideas, sentiments and concerns carried in the minds of millions of Americans right now. It merely reflects what they're thinking -- and perhaps what they want to say -- with the benefit of being wrapped inside a comedic musical presentation that's fully protected by Free Speech (the First Amendment, of course).

That's the thing about the Amendments in the Bill of Rights: Each one helps protect the other one. Without the First Amendment, I couldn't write this song. And frankly, without the Second Amendment, Big Brother wouldn't bother paying any attention to the People at all. Each of the first 10 Amendments in the Bill of Rights are hugely important to our freedoms. And the entire point of creating the Bill of Rights was to protect the People from government tyranny.

In other words, the Bill of Rights was created precisely to protect us from the kind of thing we're suffering under today with the TSA -- an unreasonable, even criminal invasion of our personal space by overzealous government thugs on some sort of runaway power trip.

I hope you enjoy this song and share it with your friends. Spread the word that Americans will not put up with TSA tyranny. Big Brother does not have any rights to the junk in your trunk.

Here's the link to the song page where you can download the free MP3 files and view the videos:

The complete lyrics to the song "Don't Touch My Junk (The TSA Hustle)"

I went to the airport
To catch my flight
The TSA put me in the
Naked body scanner line

I don't want radiation
So I opted out (opt out!)
But when they grabbed my man junk
I couldn't help myself I had to shout,
I had to shout, I had to get my message out, I said

Don't touch my junk
Don't touch my junk
I'll have you arrested
If you touch my junk
Don't touch my junk
This ain't your lovely lady lump
I don't want to be molested
So don't touch my junk

So I went back
Wearing a Scottish kilt
I popped three Viagra
To make sure my stuff would not wilt

When it came my turn
For that nasty pat down
They thought I had a weapon
So they made me pull it out

Don't touch my junk
Don't touch my junk
I'll have you arrested
If you touch my junk
Don't touch my junk
Let go of my hump my hump my hump
I don't want to be molested
So don't touch my junk

Now who put these morons with a badge in charge, and gave them the right to molest us in the name of security?

Don't touch my junk (can't touch this)
Don't touch my junk (can't touch this)
They X-rayed my bags and then
They patted down my elephant trunk

They went up my shorts
They went down my pants
This ain't romance
No it's the TSA hustle
They felt me up
While they put me down
They squeezed my butt
In that TSA hustle

This is happening in the land of the free? Alex Jones was right! I'm gonna smuggle a copy of the Bill of Rights next to my body, so when they reach down there they get a hand full of Fourth Amendment.

Lordy Lordy I declare
Big Brother's in my underwear
Fly to London, fly to France
Big Sis checkin' out my underpants

They went up my shorts (can't touch this)
They went down my pants (can't touch this)
This ain't romance
No it's the TSA hustle
They felt me up
Like they were my personal physician
Put your hands in the air
In the surrender position

This ain't security
And this ain't sex
It's some other kind of tyranny
And now you're next

It's time to stop these
Big Brother Nazi thugs
Next time you fly just tell 'em
Don't touch my junk

The Bill of Rights, baby.

Song lyrics and vocals (c) 2010 by Michael Adams, all rights reserved. Contact us for usage permissions. Music by Dan Gautreau (, licensed from

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About the author: Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is the founding editor of, the internet's No. 1 natural health news website, now reaching 7 million unique readers a month.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power, a massive research resource now featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

In addition to being the co-star of the popular GAIAM TV series called Secrets to Health, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

In 2013, Adams created the Natural News Forensic Food Laboratory, a research lab that analyzes common foods and supplements, reporting the results to the public. He is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released ten popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at

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