Originally published October 12 2012
How to help people who refuse help
by Mike Bundrant
(NaturalNews) It is hard to watch friends or family members behaving in ways that make themselves and everyone around them miserable. But what can we do when they simply refuse to change?
Luckily, the way to handle these resistant souls boils down to a single intervention. If this scenario describes someone in your life, read on for a game changing insight.
Reasons why people refuse to change:
1. Failure to acknowledge problem for what it is
Self-deception and denial are pervasive issues. As much as it may seem obvious to you, some people really do fail to see their faults and inwardly refuse to acknowledge when they are in the wrong. Surprisingly, many are so self-deceived that it is impossible to hold a rational conversation with them about their problem.
By the time you are done trying to convince them there is an issue at all, much less what to do about it, you have pulled most of your hair out and need to find your own therapist.
Don't underestimate the power of denial. It's real.
They do acknowledge the problem, but don't care
Equally perplexing are those who do acknowledge what is happening without caring to make a change.
• The smoker who knows it will kill him in the end, but refuses to quit.
• The overweight dude who openly admits he is waiting for his first heart attack before getting serious about his health.
• The young man who won't look for a job or go to college and doesn't have a problem mooching off anyone around him.
• The confessed addict who won't even entertain the idea of getting help.
These and thousands of other scenarios play out in families every single day, to the extreme frustration of those who care. Some people are more stubborn than death itself.
The solution
Assuming you cannot hire a bunch of thugs to show up and force change through inflicting pain, you've got to do the next best thing. Interestingly, the next best thing usually involves doing less, not more.
The missing link for so many blind, stubborn people is that they are not suffering enough. Whether they see their problems or not, the solution is the same. Allow the problem to cause pain or extreme inconvenience to the person with the problem.
Pain is the universal motivator. It should be allowed to work in the lives of those who avoid change. I am amazed, however, at how easy and convenient it is for stubborn people to keep up their habits, thanks to their willing family members, who willfully carry the burden.
For example:
• Parents continue to pay their 21-year-old son's cell phone bill, even though he refuses to work or go to school.
• A wife caters to her husband's wants, reluctantly making his favorite fattening desserts and buying his cigarettes, even though he is obese, diabetic and has coronary artery disease.
• A husband pays off his wife's credit card bills after she over charges with clothing and accessory purchases month after month.
A set of concerned parents once came to my office for advice about how to motivate their 19-year-old son, who refused to work, go to school or help around the house. All he wanted to do was hang around his friends, play video games and smoke pot. Occasionally, he'd bring a girl home for a sleepover.
I asked these folks why their son did not come to the appointment. "He wouldn't come," they replied. "He said he doesn't have any problems, so doesn't need any advice."
"He's got that right!" I said. "He doesn't have any problems. To him, life is easy! And you are making it that way. Before he will be motivated to change, what he is doing needs to become a problem for him. Are you willing to give him some problems to deal with, or are you going to keep supporting his current lifestyle?"
The first order of business is to make the problem a problem for the right person
This principle reminds me of when my wife, Hope, decided to stop supporting my cigarette habit. We live healthy lifestyles, but I really enjoyed smoking cigarettes. Hope couldn't stand the fact that I smoked. She complained and begged me to stop. This went on for months. Finally, Hope had enough.
"I have decided not to support you in your habit any longer," she announced one day. "I love you too much to sit by and watch you kill yourself. It's just not okay. I don't like it, the kids don't like it and it is just stupid! In fact, if you choose to smoke anymore I will leave you."
"That's a bit extreme, don't you think?"
"If cigarettes are more important to you than I am, then I guess it's over."
She was serious. I tested her. She stuck to her guns.
I was faced with a choice: Give up cigarettes or give up my wife. Once I made the decision, I never looked back. The choice could not have been clearer. Amazingly, my addiction vanished as soon as it became a real problem for me.
For the longest time, I didn't have a cigarette problem. Hope did. She frustrated herself, carried resentment, worried and complained and stressed out. The smell of the cigarettes on me and my bad breath caused her not to be physically close to me. It really took a toll on her.
I just smoked cigarettes, no problem! When Hope decided to make it my problem, not hers, I woke up. On the one hand, it is sad that Hope had to go to such extremes to make it my problem. I do regret not being much more responsive. I am just thankful to Hope that she was willing to become so clear. It really helped. I was super stuck, but it didn't take much to turn the issue around once I was faced with such a clear choice.
Try this
For the person in your life that needs to change but is unwilling, make a list of everything you do to support the bad behavior. How are you contributing to the problem? And, what are you willing to stop doing so this stops being your problem and becomes their problem. As soon as you learn how to make it a problem for the other person, you will have hired the Universe's most encouraging agent of change: pain.
About the author:
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.
The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down.
Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.
Follow Mike on Facebook for daily personal development tips.
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.
The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down.
Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.
Follow Mike on Facebook for daily personal development tips.
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