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Junk-food addict turned nutritionist suffered from embarrassing fart attacks before realizing her diet was to blame

Junk food addict

(NaturalNews) That old saying "You are what you eat" has proven to withstand the tests of time, and is more true today than ever before. Author Kelly Hayford, a junk-food addict turned nutritionist, understands this better than most, and shares her journey (which includes some embarrassing moments) to becoming a health food expert in her book If it's Not Food...Don't Eat It! The following is a snippet from her book:

Most people first become interested in improving their diet because they want to lose weight. I first became interested for other reasons. After college I served as a Peace Corps volunteer in Morocco and became a host to a variety of microbial critters that left me with chronic dysentery for most of my service. A couple of years later, I was still having digestive and eliminative disturbances that included bouts of diarrhea that alternated with constipation. Although a nuisance, these were private matters I could deal with.

An associated problem of a gaseous nature, however, became increasingly hard to keep to myself. It was this problem, and the fact that no antacid, no herbal formula, no charcoal tablet, not even Beano provided any relief, that launched my strongest desire to learn more about food and its effect on bodily functions. Especially after the frequency and severity of this problem pinnacled into one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Letting it rip

It happened one afternoon while teaching math to fourth graders at a Catholic elementary school. Up until that day, I had managed to keep this problem under wraps by discretely slipping out into the empty hallway for a moment of relief. However, on this particular day I was caught off guard.

As the familiar feeling of growing pressure arose, panic ensued as I realized I was standing at the back of the room between two rows of desks, farthest from the door and closest to the children. My first inclination was to try to make it to the door, but one step forward warned me that this would only increase the estimated time of arrival.

So I did the only thing I could. I stood as still as possible, clenched every muscle possible, and silently prayed to every Saint possible, all the while continuing my geometric discourse on right angles and the hypotenuse as nonchalantly as possible, so as not to draw attention to what was preparing to make itself known. But try as I might to stop it, a silent but deadly one, as the children would say, won out.

What now? I thought to myself. It would surely not go unnoticed. This growing little problem was actually bigger than average. So big, that nobody in their right mind would have wanted to stake a claim to it, especially not the teacher. So, that's exactly what I decided to do, maintain my dignity through silent denial and let the blame fall where it may.

I blamed the kids

I put this desperate plan into action by casually strolling down the aisle distancing myself from the scene of the crime, leaving behind a chorus of accusations and pointing fingers.

"Eeew, gross, you farted!"

"I did not, you did!"

"It wasn't me, it was him."

This childish chorus convinced me that my cowardly maneuver had been a success. Then all of a sudden I heard a little boy exclaim in what was intended to be a whisper, "It was Ms. Hayford!" which set off a chatter of disbelief that soon turned into a confirmation of uncontrollable giggles. I was mortified.

After this incident I became desperate to resolve this annoying problem that was not only causing me great internal discomfort, but was also beginning to cost me the respect of those around me. Because I had tried every generally recommended protocol, I was forced to explore other alternatives, the most obvious of which involved my diet. But I didn't know this at first.

We are what we eat

Because my problems started, for the most part, during and after my stint in Morocco and because no doctor had ever indicated diet as a solution, I didn't think that what I was eating was the issue or that making changes would make any sizeable difference. That's where I was wrong.

In fact, that's where most people faced with nagging symptoms and diseases go wrong. As you will soon learn, your health is always related to and affected by the food you eat. For example, science is now discovering that much of what was once considered hereditary is actually a result of the perpetuation of poor eating and lifestyle habits.

Much of what has become culturally acceptable to eat is not acceptable to the human body. That's why these symptoms and diseases of the body develop in the first place. They are our bodies' way of telling us that what we're eating or doing in our lives is not working.


Hayford, K. (2005) If it's not food...don't eat it!: The no-nonsense guide to an eating-for-health lifestyle:
Delphic Corner Press

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