About Us
Write for Us
Media Info
Advertising Info

Federal Reserve to launch OMG monetary policy initiative as replacement for quantitative easing - LOL (satire)

Federal Reserve

(NaturalNews) Unable to obscure the fact that "quantitative easing" is really just counterfeit money printing that will inevitably lead to monetary debasement and a rejection of the dollar as the global reserve currency, the Federal Reserve has announced a bold new monetary policy initiative with a brand new name: OMG.

The Fed's "OMG" policy consists of:


Instead of merely a few hundred billion dollars in fiat currency creation that was pursued under "quantitative easing," the new OMG policy will be measured in trillions of dollars.

"The problem with the Fed's previous money creation policies," said a random reporter on CNBC whose name doesn't matter because they all parrot the same exact thoughts, "is that it never went far enough. We need trillions with a 'T' not billions with a 'B'. Billions are for losers. Trillions are for winners!"

It's not yet clear exactly how many trillions will be created under the Fed's OMG program. Asked that very question, Kansas City Federal Reserve chairperson Steve Maestas explained, "OMG is the only way to tackle these monetary challenges head-on, to make sure we don't end up needing to roll out our ROFL initiative."

ROFL stands for Recursive Opportunistic Fiscal Laundering, and it involves the world's central banks starting wars in multiple countries all at once so that banks can reap profits on lending to nations that are forced to rebuild their cities after the bombing raids.

"Wars are good for the economy," explained Homer Simpson NYT Keynesian economics torch-bearer Paul Krugman.

"WTF" co-initiative to improve wages, tariffs and futures

Along with the OMG fiscal policy, the Fed is also gearing up to simultaneously release its WTF co-initiative, which stands for:

& Futures

Together, the two policies were announced by President Obama on social media with this tweet: "I LOVE the Federal Reserve's new policies - OMG WTF!"

Former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan chimed in on the announcement, saying, "I always knew money printing would ultimately come down to OMG and WTF. It's about time they named it appropriately."

Trend Research' Gerald Celente also approved of the names. "Every time I read the Fed's plan, I immediately think to myself OMG, WTF? And then pretty soon I'm ROFL."

LOL backup plan to create enormous liquidity... just in case

Just in case OMG and WTF don't create the desired effect, the Federal Reserve's next emergency plan will be aggressively rolled out as quickly as possible. It's called LOL:

Other banks'

"Our LOL initiative will kick in wherever OMG and WTF don't get the job done," explained Federal Reserve chairwoman Janet Yellen.

"I've always thought the Fed's policies were already LOL," added Ron Paul, who congratulated the Fed on "finally discovering some honest names for their disastrous monetary policies."

When his son, U.S. Sen. Rand Paul contacted Yellen to ask if Congress could audit the Fed, the reply came back as simply, "LOL."

At a recent congressional subcommittee hearing, when Janet Yellen was asked to explain the Fed's monetary policy in plain language, she replied, simply, "OMG. WTF? LOL!" Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton applauded Yellen's statement, explaining, "That's exactly the same policy we used in Benghazi, and it worked great!"

The Fed's final policy? TEOTWAWKI

Should OMG, WTF, LOL and ROFL fail to rescue the world's economics, the Fed has one final emergency plan to put in place: TEOTWAWKI.

This plan stands for:

Totalitarian Electronically-Operated Total Worldwide Asset Wasteland Kill Initiative

This plan centers around all the world's big banks unleashing custom stuxnet trojan horse malware onto their own data networks, resulting in the wholesale theft of customer accounts, investment funds, retirement funds and stock ownership... all of which will magically end up in the hands of the Rockefellers.

In exchange for having their assets confiscated, account holders will each be issued one of the more than two billion bullets recently stockpiled by the Department of Homeland Security, with instructions to download a 3D-printable gun design from Defense Distributed (www.DefDist.org), print out a gun, load the bullet, and kill yourself "to help balance the budget by reducing the growth of entitlements."

Those who have an aversion to guns and bullets are instead instructed to find the nearest CVS pharmacy and request a vaccination shot, which has nearly the same outcome, only slower.

The public LOVES the new initiatives!

Actual tweets from enthusiastic American voters and Obama supporters:

"Now it all makes sense! Make WTF money because liquidity and balance economy! ROFL thank you Yellen I love you keep yellin!"

"Every time I look at my paycheck stub, I think OMG WTF? Now, finally, the Fed is getting the same message!"

"Stupid Fed ending QE causing stagflation! WTF save us. we need more dollars LOL!"

"OMG why did it take so long for the Fed to finally announce WTF?"

"I used to think TEOTWAWKI was crazy talk. Now I realize it's brilliant fiscal policy. Go Fed!"

"When I heard the Fed's new plan, I thought to myself LOL, WTF? And then I realized those are the NAMES of the plans! So awesome!"

"Stupid Rand Pual!! Let Fed print money in peace! We shouldn't know what they're doing as long as they say it's working!"

Receive Our Free Email Newsletter

Get independent news alerts on natural cures, food lab tests, cannabis medicine, science, robotics, drones, privacy and more.

About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

comments powered by Disqus
Most Viewed Articles

Natural News Wire (Sponsored Content)

Science News & Studies
Medicine News and Information
Food News & Studies
Health News & Studies
Herbs News & Information
Pollution News & Studies
Cancer News & Studies
Climate News & Studies
Survival News & Information
Gear News & Information
News covering technology, stocks, hackers, and more