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What those TSA guys are really saying

Saturday, February 08, 2014 by: J. D. Heyes
Tags: TSA, lingo, sexual harassment

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(NaturalNews) Just recently, a former Transportation Security Administration screener wrote a tell-all piece for Politico in which he made a number of startling revelations.

For one, those massive X-ray scanners that flyers have to pass through? They don't work.

In addition, those same scanners are extremely revealing and are the topic of regular conversation among TSA agents. Also, a number of TSA policies were akin to ethnic profiling.

But in addition to these revelations, it seems that agents have also developed TSA lingo for just about everything, and some of it is none too flattering. Here is a list of some terms provided by Jason Edward Harrington, the former agent and aspiring writer who wrote the Politico piece:

10-100: Originally, this was citizens band radio code for a bathroom break. But it is now what some TSA officers say when they're tired of their co-workers.

Alfalfa: It's what male TSA agents call an attractive female passenger.

Baby-shower-opt-out: Quite comical, actually. In this instance, a female traveler who opts out of the full-body scanner then accidentally lets slip her reason: "I'm pregnant." That often evokes a shriek from those traveling with her: "Why didn't you tell us, Becky? OH EM GEE!?" Then, a small celebration takes place right in the security line. "It is one of the few heartwarming things that ever come about due to the full body scanners," wrote Harrington.

BBC: This stands for "Bogus Bag Check," or "Bulls**t Bag Check." It is what occurs when a less-than-proficient X-ray operator decides to call for a bag search.

Bin Loader: What a TSA employee is, essentially, for the first month of his or her employment.

Code Red: More TSA malespeak. Denotes an attractive female passenger wearing red.

Fanny Pack, Lane 2: That is the code for an attractive female passenger in a particular lane.

Jif Peanut Butter: A sarcastic label, this is "one of the main things you'll be saving the world from in your day-to-day activities as a sworn federal security officer devoted to protecting the nation from the existential terrorist threat," Harrington wrote.

Opt out: What TSA agents call a smart passenger.

Retaliatory wait time: You're going to love this one. It is what occurs when a TSA officer does not like a traveler's attitude. As Harrington notes:

There are all sorts of ways a TSA officer can subtly make you wait longer to get through security, citing imaginary alarms, going "above the SOP" for "a more thorough screening," pretending that something in your bag or on your full body image needs to be resolved - the punitive possibilities are endless, and there are many tricks in the screener's bag.

Run the Cat Through the X-Ray (idiomatic): This is what they call a passenger - usually someone not from the U.S. - who is so unfamiliar and lost in U.S. airport security that they are more likely to make a huge number of mistakes, like running their cats through the X-ray tunnel. Explanation example: "We need an officer to go out and help that flustered gentleman out front before he runs the cat through the X-ray."

Suitcase Surgeon: This is an informal term for a TSA worker, which comes from the blue latex gloves that hey wear. It's an ironic term, "because it's not like what the TSA ever does requires anything remotely approaching the mental capacity of a surgical procedure anyway, even though you may feel as though you've undergone a surgical procedure after they're done with you," says Harrington.

TSA Baby: This is a slang term used by officers to denote a the creation of a child stemming from a sexual relationship between two TSA officers. "This is not advised, because statistics show that the likelihood of a TSA baby turning out to be a mediocrity who reflexively snatches and cries incessantly about people's liquids, gels, creams and aerosols and who tells airplane pilots that they are not allowed to bring Swiss army knives on the plane because they may use it to hijack the plane are substantially high," Harrington joked.

White Shirt: A TSA employee who still believes that his or her job is a matter of national security.

Xray Xray Xray!: This is a general code for an attractive female passenger.

Yellow Alert: Code for an attractive female passenger, yellow clothing.

Ziptop baggie: "A magical thing that renders liquids safe for airplanes," Harrington scoffed.





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