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East Coast earthquake rocks nation's capitol, halting dollar printing presses (satire)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: East Coast, earthquake, health news

East Coast

(NaturalNews) A 5.9-strong earthquake rocked the East Coast today, with aftershocks felt from New York to Florida. Official buildings throughout Washington D.C. were evacuated, emptying the nation's capitol of bureaucrats and causing a momentary but notable economic stimulus to be felt across the nation, dwarfing the aftershocks of the quake itself.

Some damage was reported, however. A woman in Virginia screamed and called 911 when her outdoor flower vase fell and shattered on her back porch. President Obama took a break from his golf game to promise he would declare a national emergency and cut her a bailout check, as her decorative vase was declared "too big to fall."

In the halls of Congress, a Senator's desk overturned while he was sitting at it, revealing an intern.

At the Federal Reserve, the massive printing presses that churn out an endless stream of bailout money shuddered to a halt, causing a pause in food inflation but panicking bailout recipients who are now completely dependent on government money for their existence. Meanwhile at the Pentagon, internal emails revealed a flurry of questions asking for any intelligence on whether the earthquake was an "act of terrorism" and if so, could Mother Nature be arrested under the Patriot Act and held in Guantanamo Bay?

Some buildings were damaged in the quake. The White House was found to be leaning to the left, and the U.S. Treasury was discovered to be leaning on China. Thanks to aftershock ripple waves, the statue of Thomas Jefferson rumbled and thumped its way across the floor of the Jefferson Memorial as D.C. park police tried to arrest it for "illegal dancing" but were summarily trampled by twelve tons of granite. They are the only known fatalities of the earthquake so far, and will not be missed.

Right after the quake settled down, millions of Maryland and Virginia residents all looked at each other and wondered, "Why didn't we ever buy an emergency water filter?" The entire population, it turns out, was ill-prepared in terms of stored food, emergency lighting and community defense, prompting the gang bangers in the area to join hands and pray for an even larger earthquake so they could begin looting like the recent youth riots in London.

The USDA building suffered some minor damage during the quake, collapsing the agency's GMO division and causing a setback to Monsanto which was counting on the USDA to keep pushing its patented genetically engineered seeds.

The real shockwaves of the day, however, were felt economically as runaway debt spending under the Obama administration racked up $3 million per minute, meaning the three-minute earthquake cost the nation $9 million in clock time, not even counting any actual damage. Under Obama's leadership, the national debt has increased by $4 trillion (http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20095...) -- a number that should measure 9.0 on the Richter scale of runaway debt, if anyone were actually paying attention.

The mainstream media, meanwhile, blamed the entire earthquake on Ron Paul, who it proclaimed "cannot win the Presidency" but somehow has mutant superhero powers that allow him to control the Earth's tectonic plates. Ron "Richter" Paul later stated he would use his newfound powers to shift Washington D.C. into the Atlantic ocean, turning it into a small island nation that could drive itself into ruin while the rest of the United States disconnects from Washington and experiences economic freedom and prosperity.

Next, Ron Paul promises he will cause a tidal wave of public support to wash over the nation and reclaim liberty from the tyrants currently running the country. The status quo political establishment, of course, will characterize it as a "national disaster" and try to convince the American people they would be much better off remaining enslaved to a dictatorial nanny state that rules over them by decree.

But the People, having now witnessed the devastating aftershocks of Obamanomics -- and its Washington D.C. epicenter -- may have already wised up and prepared themselves to embrace real freedom in America.

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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