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Energy crisis

Beyond Oil: Unconventional Solutions to the U.S. Energy Crisis (satire)

Friday, August 15, 2008
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: energy crisis, health news, Natural News


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(NaturalNews) When it comes to the energy problem facing Western civilization today, there's a lot of talk in Washington about doing something. But that's all it is: Talk. Senate talk. Congress talk. Presidential talk. Yabbing, jabbing, jawing poppycock and jibberish... none of it adds up to any useful solutions that would actually end our dependence on oil or embrace revolutionary ideas on renewable energy.

In fact, in observing all this, I've come to the conclusion that the only sure way to generate enough renewable energy to power the Western world is to install wind farms in front of the Senate podium, then focus those giant propellers on the constant stream of hot air spewing forth from the mouths of over-enthusiastic, under-informed politicians who insist on talking about eco-friendly ideas they have no intention of ever voting into law.

This strategy would at least turn the Senate floor into something useful: A hot air renewable energy machine powered by otherwise useless politicians.

Thinking outside the box on renewable energy

There are other valuable for renewable energy, however, such as capturing all the greasy farts of Taco Bell customers and funneling them into a methane bioreactor that generates unlimited electricity. You could install them right next to the drive-through windows at fast food restaurants, so you'd have the drive-through, followed by the fart-through, and as long as people keep eating greasy burritos, it's all renewable!

For other fast food restaurants, when all the frying grease in the kitchen is too contaminated with acrylamides to use for human consumption, even that can be poured into the diesel engines of cop cars, so every time a cop chases some speeder down the highway, it smells like extra crispy KFC.

Of course, let's not forget the idea of taking all the waste paper created by the U.S. tax code and fermenting it with cellulose-cracking microalgae that produce hydrogen gas as a byproduct of eating paper. Using this new technology, every April 15th could produce enough excess paper to power the entire planet three times over. This is also why we must keep the tax code intact, because any "reasonable" reforms would eliminate so much paper that there wouldn't be enough left to digest into fuel! (See, the tax code really does have a silver lining!)

There's also some merit to the idea of harvesting the extra hair oil from all the people who eat cheese and butter and somehow manage to choke down snack foods fried at high temperatures in dirt-cheap corn grease. When all those extra oils aren't clogging their pores and producing runaway facial acne, they could be drained into large barrels, collected by horse-drawn buggies and turned into biodiesel fuel using secret military petrochemical technologies that are currently only limited to the production of baby shampoo.

Real energy solutions are well within our reach

You see, America's energy problem (if you can even call it that) can be solved right now by simple ingenuity. We don't need to fight wars over oil, all we need to do is engage a bit of clever thinking and our energy problems are solved!

For example, instead of trying to prevent illegal aliens from crossing our borders, we could require that they each bring a gallon of gas with them as a cost of entry. And since a lot of them eat at Taco Bell, we also get the farting biofuel benefit from them as well! (Double benefits. Brilliant, huh?)

We could also require all television sets to be bicycle powered, so that couch potatoes who watch a lot of TV have to pedal their way through the Home Shopping Network and other quality programming. These pedals can be wired to generators that turn physical movement into enough electricity to electrify refrigerator door handles, providing a gentle, Taser-like reminder for people to stop eating so often, or shocking them into a coma if they open the door too frequently.

There's also the rather shocking idea of rounding up all the people with silver fillings and forcing them to stroll beside commercial microwave ovens, capturing the electrical arcs shooting across their teeth with lightning harnessing devices resembling Tesla coils. This could turn silver fillings into free energy devices and finally bring to light one possible benefit of filling people's mouths with mercury!

So you see, we really don't have an energy crisis in America today; we only have a lack of imagination. From strapping tiny generators to the thumbs of Xbox addicts, to harnessing melting glaciers to drive paddle-wheel processed food grinders, we have lots of energy solutions at our fingertips! We only have to be open to these simple, but ingenious ideas, like training crows to pull tiny ripcords that generate electricity to light street lights. Or using solar power to heat frozen bank accounts, freeing up new capital for economic abundance! There's no limit to what we can do if we all simply agree to ignore the laws of physics!

And why not? We've already agreed to ignore the laws of economics, and that created a generation of apparent abundance, did it not?

I just hope we solve this energy crisis before we run out of the energy that's keeping the Earth spinning, because if the Earth stops spinning, we'll all fall off the bottom of the planet and find ourselves floating hopelessly towards the sun. More massive people will be pulled by the sun's gravity more quickly, of course, meaning the only folks left near Earth will be the raw food vegans, bulimic teenage girls and whacky scientists trying to extend their lifespan through extreme calorie restriction.

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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