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Natural News Update: Mercury in Vaccines, MRSA and Vegetative Pork Plant Workers (satire)

Friday, February 08, 2008
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: vaccines, health news, Natural News

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(NaturalNews) Mercury declared safe! Yes, indeed, the medical sleuths of the world are hard at work yet again, attempting to find clever ways to give a toxic heavy metal a clean bill of health. The candidate this time? Mercury in vaccines, of course. Recent news headlines declared that "mercury in vaccines is safe because it only stays in the body for 3.7 days." (No joke. I'm not making this up.)

Hmmm... Wasn't it just two weeks ago that they declared there was NO mercury in vaccines? Now there's mercury, apparently, but it's "safe" because it's urinated out of an infant's body in just 3.7 days. That comes to about 88 hours, by the way, which leads me to the new declaration of safety now being pushed by conventional medicine: Any poisons that stay in the body for 88 hours or less shall no longer be considered poisons. (That is, if the body is still alive after 88 hours.) Instead, they shall simply be called "transitional pre-toxins" and shall only be declared toxic once they actually leave the body, at which point they magically transmute into EPA-regulated substances like, for example, mercury.

I find it curious that a medical profession full of such harsh critics for new-agey healing modalities actually believes in chemical transmutation. Before mercury enters the body of a child, it's a toxic heavy metal. Once it enters the body, however, it apparently transmutes into a harmless insert substance. After it exits the body, it transmutes once again to toxic mercury. That's some pretty cool medical technology, huh? Must be nanotech or something. Truly fascinating.

There is no end to the loopy logic, it seems, that quack health authorities will conjure up in their efforts to push vaccines onto an unsuspecting public. Western medical doctors have never met a corporate-sponsored chemical they didn't like.

Speaking of vaccines...

More young girls die from HPV vaccine injections

The subhead says it all: Young girls continue to die after being injected with Merck's Gardasil vaccine. The latest death reports come from the U.K., where one 13-year-old girl died within hours after receiving the vaccine injection. Health authorities, not surprisingly, continue to insist there's nothing dangerous at all about those vaccines, and they have no idea why young girls are dropping dead. (But there is a two-for-one special at health clinics now where you get a free body bag with every purchase of a Gardasil injection!)

Modern doctors' indignant denial of reality reminds me of Monty Python's Black Knight skit where a frisky knight continues to insist he's fine even as his limbs are cut off by a sword-wielding adversary. If you haven't seen the skit, watch it here:

(Fast forward to 2:45 to see the part I'm talking about.)

Schoolchildren punished for "intentional" farting

On the children's health front, schoolchildren who expel gas in class are finding themselves expelled from school, according to news reports from Knox County, Maine. Unable to speak during class, they decided to make themselves heard nonetheless, and by sheer coincidence, the school lunches provided ample ammunition for fantastical flatulence fights among fraternizing misfits.

After chowing down the state-mandated processed foods served at the cafeteria, these students let loose a rip-roaring chorus of anatomical protests that were apparently "disruptive" to the teachers there, who decided to start expelling on their own. (The students, not the gas.) The result is that students who now engage in "intentional farting" find themselves freed from the mind-numbing enslavement of dumbed-down public schools through a process called "expulsion" which bars students from re-entering the school and is supposed to be considered a form of punishment.

It is not yet known whether students are allowed to engage in unintentional farting, or whether the school lunches there have stopped serving soybean burgers to aid in the comical gastronomical suppression efforts. Apparently only principals and teachers can now pass gas in Maine's public schools, which has already set off the early warning radon detectors in some buildings.

Little do they all know that such skills will come in quite handy when those students attend college; especially if they attempt to join fraternities. Does anybody have a lighter?

Pork plant workers suffer neurological symptoms from "processing" pig heads

Did you know that pork plant workers are losing their minds? Medical investigators say they've finally figured out the cause behind all the bizarre neurological symptoms being experienced by pork plant employees who work the "pig head" processing table. The explanation? Without making this too gross, let's just say that the compressed air processing causes "pig brain aerosols" to fill the air being inhaled by the workers. Every time they take a breath, they snort a little pig brain.

Do this enough and it's apparently worse than snorting crack. The immune system sees the particles as invaders and unleashes an attack on ALL nervous system cells in the body, including the brains and spinal cords of the workers. And that, of course, leads to the destruction of the nervous system and the onset of a persistent vegetative state.

Does Mother Nature have a sense of humor or what? It only seems fitting that people who spend their lives destroying animals in meat factories will one day end up as a vegetable.

And that's the Natural News Update for Friday, February 8, 2008!

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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