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Originally published February 8 2008

Natural News Update: Mercury in Vaccines, MRSA and Vegetative Pork Plant Workers (satire)

by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor

(NaturalNews) Mercury declared safe! Yes, indeed, the medical sleuths of the world are hard at work yet again, attempting to find clever ways to give a toxic heavy metal a clean bill of health. The candidate this time? Mercury in vaccines, of course. Recent news headlines declared that "mercury in vaccines is safe because it only stays in the body for 3.7 days." (No joke. I'm not making this up.)

Hmmm... Wasn't it just two weeks ago that they declared there was NO mercury in vaccines? Now there's mercury, apparently, but it's "safe" because it's urinated out of an infant's body in just 3.7 days. That comes to about 88 hours, by the way, which leads me to the new declaration of safety now being pushed by conventional medicine: Any poisons that stay in the body for 88 hours or less shall no longer be considered poisons. (That is, if the body is still alive after 88 hours.) Instead, they shall simply be called "transitional pre-toxins" and shall only be declared toxic once they actually leave the body, at which point they magically transmute into EPA-regulated substances like, for example, mercury.

I find it curious that a medical profession full of such harsh critics for new-agey healing modalities actually believes in chemical transmutation. Before mercury enters the body of a child, it's a toxic heavy metal. Once it enters the body, however, it apparently transmutes into a harmless insert substance. After it exits the body, it transmutes once again to toxic mercury. That's some pretty cool medical technology, huh? Must be nanotech or something. Truly fascinating.

There is no end to the loopy logic, it seems, that quack health authorities will conjure up in their efforts to push vaccines onto an unsuspecting public. Western medical doctors have never met a corporate-sponsored chemical they didn't like.

Speaking of vaccines...

More young girls die from HPV vaccine injections

The subhead says it all: Young girls continue to die after being injected with Merck's Gardasil vaccine. The latest death reports come from the U.K., where one 13-year-old girl died within hours after receiving the vaccine injection. Health authorities, not surprisingly, continue to insist there's nothing dangerous at all about those vaccines, and they have no idea why young girls are dropping dead. (But there is a two-for-one special at health clinics now where you get a free body bag with every purchase of a Gardasil injection!)

Modern doctors' indignant denial of reality reminds me of Monty Python's Black Knight skit where a frisky knight continues to insist he's fine even as his limbs are cut off by a sword-wielding adversary. If you haven't seen the skit, watch it here:

(Fast forward to 2:45 to see the part I'm talking about.)

Schoolchildren punished for "intentional" farting

On the children's health front, schoolchildren who expel gas in class are finding themselves expelled from school, according to news reports from Knox County, Maine. Unable to speak during class, they decided to make themselves heard nonetheless, and by sheer coincidence, the school lunches provided ample ammunition for fantastical flatulence fights among fraternizing misfits.

After chowing down the state-mandated processed foods served at the cafeteria, these students let loose a rip-roaring chorus of anatomical protests that were apparently "disruptive" to the teachers there, who decided to start expelling on their own. (The students, not the gas.) The result is that students who now engage in "intentional farting" find themselves freed from the mind-numbing enslavement of dumbed-down public schools through a process called "expulsion" which bars students from re-entering the school and is supposed to be considered a form of punishment.

It is not yet known whether students are allowed to engage in unintentional farting, or whether the school lunches there have stopped serving soybean burgers to aid in the comical gastronomical suppression efforts. Apparently only principals and teachers can now pass gas in Maine's public schools, which has already set off the early warning radon detectors in some buildings.

Little do they all know that such skills will come in quite handy when those students attend college; especially if they attempt to join fraternities. Does anybody have a lighter?

Pork plant workers suffer neurological symptoms from "processing" pig heads

Did you know that pork plant workers are losing their minds? Medical investigators say they've finally figured out the cause behind all the bizarre neurological symptoms being experienced by pork plant employees who work the "pig head" processing table. The explanation? Without making this too gross, let's just say that the compressed air processing causes "pig brain aerosols" to fill the air being inhaled by the workers. Every time they take a breath, they snort a little pig brain.

Do this enough and it's apparently worse than snorting crack. The immune system sees the particles as invaders and unleashes an attack on ALL nervous system cells in the body, including the brains and spinal cords of the workers. And that, of course, leads to the destruction of the nervous system and the onset of a persistent vegetative state.

Does Mother Nature have a sense of humor or what? It only seems fitting that people who spend their lives destroying animals in meat factories will one day end up as a vegetable.

And that's the Natural News Update for Friday, February 8, 2008!

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