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Secret recipe revealed for next wave of pharmaceuticals (satire)

Friday, March 03, 2006
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: health news, Natural News, nutrition


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I recently donned a disguise and was able to sneak into the pharmaceutical laboratory of ConPfuzer Pharmaceuticals. After bribing a couple of low-grade lab technicians grumbling about the falling value of company stock options, I got my hands on a document revealing the secret recipe for the firm's next new wave of pharmaceuticals!

I openly share this with you in an effort to bring attention to what's actually going into these drugs. You'll be shocked!

Here's the recipe revealed in the document:

Top Secret Recipe For ConPfuzer's New Pharmaceuticals

Gather the following ingredients:
  • 1 part dirt-cheap chemical ingredients purchased at wholesale prices from Germany.
  • 2 parts FDA nodding, winking and rubber stamping for fast-track drug approval.
  • 3 parts propaganda, blasted into consumers' heads through mass media advertising.
  • 1 part public relations by donating a million dollars to a non-profit front group that uses overly ambitious disease "screening" to recruit more patients for our drugs.
  • 1 part illegal experimentation on impoverished children in third world countries.
  • 2 parts fictitious disease mongering through non-profit disease front groups, in order to create demand for a product that no one really needs.
  • 10 parts dextrose and other fillers so that the finished product looks like it has some substance.
  • 1 part actual clinical trials determining whether the drug is safe (optional, can be replaced with imaginary clinical trials and fictional results if desired).
Combine all ingredients in a large baking bowl. Mix together with pseudo-scientific medical jargon and a dash of corporate greed. Toss in a bankrolled panel of FDA decision panel members and wait for the mixture to rise. If they object, give them some dough.

Once the mixture has risen, cook the research results until the desired consistency is achieved. Remove from oven, wipe off the fraudulent research results (which sometimes bubble to the surface), and allow to cool.

Warning: Do not touch the mixture while the marketing department is cooking the research results, or you may get burned.

Once the mixture has cooled, divide into tiny tablets, calculate the cost of ingredients and multiply by 472 to set the "fair market" retail price. Deliver to the marketing department which will then determine which medical claims can be made in television ads and where to find enunciation artists who can say "involuntary anal discharge" (and other side effects) faster than a hyperactive auctioneer on speed.

Warning: Do NOT sample the mixture while making the recipe, as the chemicals we use have been found to be quite toxic.

This recipe document has been embedded with transdermal drugs that promote dementia (a standard ingredient in all our drugs). You will now forget you ever read this.


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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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