New job opportunities at the Food and Drug Administration (satire)

Saturday, August 13, 2005
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)

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Need a job? Truth Publishing has just received word on several openings for cushy jobs with the FDA. Why keep working in powerless civilian positions when you can get paid by the government and wield power over others! Here's what the agency is looking for:

Propaganda Officer

No scientific background necessary. As a Propaganda Officer, you will help the FDA invent and dispense information that discredits products, companies and ideas that threaten FDA control over the monopolistic drug industry. Previous experience in a pharmaceutical company preferred. A background in public relations, communications or used car sales is a plus.

Career opportunities abound at the FDA, and it's easy to succeed with this job since the mainstream press will print practically anything you say, regardless of whether it makes any scientific sense, as long as it's on official FDA letterhead. Starting salary: $75,000 plus a license to kill any idea (or health business) you don't like.

Science Censor

Have a scientific background? Put it to good use at the FDA as a respected Science Censor. Your job will be to bury all the scientific findings that harm the prestige and credibility of the FDA. Your main job is making sure all the drugs we've approved continue to be seen as safe, even when clinical studies reveal otherwise.

A variety of high-tech tools will be at your disposal. You'll have direct phone lines to all the medical journals, a team of paralegals to generate legal threats, and you'll even have your own personal shredder right beside the incoming fax machines where doctors fax voluntary drug side effects reports. Help us keep dangerous drugs on the market for as long as possible, and you'll earn big performance bonuses!

Starting salary is $35,000 from the FDA, plus a $250,000 annual bonus paid by various drug companies, based on merit.

Chief Oppression Officer

Ever wanted to carry a gun? Now you can wield power as an FDA employee, conducting armed raids on clinics where dangerous criminals are conducting illicit operations like healing people with prayer or teaching patients about nutrition. You can even raid buses full of senior citizens returning from medication-buying trips in Canada or Mexico! Previous military experience is a plus, ex-Gitmo interrogators preferred. (Duct tape and broomsticks provided upon request.)

No scientific or medical knowledge required, since you don't really need to understand the reasons why you're conducting armed raids. Just follow management's orders, and we'll hand you a gun and a badge, all in the name of protecting the public from the criminals of alternative medicine.

Starting salary is $65,000 plus all the free Prozac you can swallow. (Antidepressant side effects are a plus in your line of work.)

Kickback Coordinator

As the Kickback Coordinator, your job is to keep tabs on FDA managers' investments in pharmaceutical companies. You will maximize investment portfolios, produce reports that identify which drugs the FDA should approve next in order to boost shareholder profits, and serve as a courier for illicit cash exchanges.

There is no starting salary, but you do get a percentage of the kickbacks you manage. Criminal background preferred, mob ties are a plus.

Morale Officer

The FDA's morale has been harmed lately by utterly false accusations from certain FDA whistleblowers. As a Morale Officer, your job will be to keep all FDA employees in line as a way of boosting overall morale and work efficiency. It's good for the economy!

To enforce proper morale among FDA employees, especially those involved in drug safety operations, you will be granted insider access to top-secret FDA technologies currently under development, including our "Graham buster" verbal silencer (patents pending) and a building-wide subliminal program broadcast system. "All profitable drugs are safe... All profitable drugs are safe..."

Salary: $85,000 plus free unlimited cable television.

Canada Basher

Do you share our hatred for those snooty Socialist Canadians? Join the FDA as a full-time Canada basher, and get paid to do what you love best: insult Canada!

As you may know, the free market sales of prescription drugs from Canada threatens the FDA-controlled monopoly market for drugs in the U.S. We need help to discredit Canada so that gullible U.S. consumers will distrust Canadian pharmacies and keeping shelling out their hard-earned cash at overpriced U.S. pharmacies (which we regulate and control, of course).

We already have a few old tricks to assist you in this job, like claiming that terrorists will poison all the drugs in Canada. You will have to come up with other strategies like claiming that Canadian pharmacies have no quality control, unlike U.S. pharmacies where pharmacists never, ever make mistakes.

Salary: $45,000 plus unlimited free drugs from Canada.

Public Safety Program Director

In this role, you will actually work to protect the public from unsafe ingredients in foods, drugs and cosmetics. This is not really a full-time job. In fact, you do not even need to show up.

No experience necessary, in anything. No education required. Starting salary is minimum wage. You must bring your own desk to work, if you want one. That is, if you actually want to work at all.

How to apply

Are you qualified for one or more of these prestigious positions at the FDA? Apply online at the FDA website, and if hired, you could soon wield government-sanctioned power over your fellow citizens. It's a dream job, with outstanding job security. As long as you can help us make sure people never have access to genuine healing therapies, you'll always have a job with us!

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About the author: Mike Adams is an award-winning journalist and holistic nutritionist with a strong interest in personal health, the environment and the power of nature to help us all heal He is a prolific writer and has published thousands of articles, interviews, reports and consumer guides, and he has published numerous courses on preparedness and survival, including financial preparedness, emergency food supplies, urban survival and tactical self-defense. Adams is an honest, independent journalist and accepts no money or commissions on the third-party products he writes about or the companies he promotes. In 2010, Adams co-founded NaturalNews.com, a natural health video sharing site that has now grown in popularity. He also founded an environmentally-friendly online retailer called BetterLifeGoods.com that uses retail profits to help support consumer advocacy programs. He's also the CEO of a highly successful email newsletter software company that develops software used to send permission email campaigns to subscribers. Adams is currently the executive director of the Consumer Wellness Center, a 501(c)3 non-profit, and pursues hobbies such as martial arts, Capoeira, nature macrophotography and organic gardening. He's also author a large number of health books offered by Truth Publishing and is the creator of numerous reference website including NaturalPedia.com and the free downloadable Honest Food Guide. His websites also include the free reference sites HerbReference.com and HealingFoodReference.com. Adams believes in free speech, free access to nutritional supplements and the innate healing ability of the human body. Known on the 'net as 'the Health Ranger,' Adams shares his ethics, mission statements and personal health statistics at www.HealthRanger.org

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Related Articles:

The FDA Exposed: An Interview With Dr. David Graham, the Vioxx Whistleblower

The great direct-to-consumer prescription drug advertising con: how patients and doctors alike are easily influenced to demand dangerous drugs

Psychiatric Drugs: Chemical Warfare on Humans - interview with Robert Whitaker

28 Senators vote to maintain Big Pharma monopoly over U.S. consumers; Republicans oppose free trade for medicine

FDA accused of suppressing drug safety information (commentary)

The raw (and ugly) truth about the war on drugs

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