Don't Touch my Junk - Song Commentary
Two nights ago, I just couldn't sleep. The story of traveler John Tyner just
stuck in my head. "Don't Touch My Junk" seemed to be a powerful statement from
a regular guy standing up to Big Brother. It was the linguistic equivalent of
that Chinese student standing in the path of a tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989.
And the phrase "Don't Touch My Junk" kept rolling around inside my head.
So instead of trying (and failing) to go to sleep, I got up from my bed and started
typing lyrics into my laptop computer. And then the music suddenly struck me
-- I had recently licensed a song by an amazing composer (Dan
Gautreau) that seemed to
fit perfectly with this idea, so I began to put the lyrics together with the
the chorus line of "Don't Touch My Junk" was formed.
Recording the song in just 9 hours
The next day, I started recording this song at about 1 pm. Amazingly, I finished
it by 10 pm. Yes -- this entire song took no more than nine hours to fully
record, mix and produce. I could hardly believe it myself, actually, because
usually these things take many days or even weeks to nail down. But this
one was just unbelievably rapid because I did all the recording myself, on my
laptop, using a high-end microphone and audio input device.
The song contains over 440 individual recordings of my voice, singing
the lead lines, harmonies, rap lines, etc. The only voice in the song that isn't
mine is the scream.
All the harmonies are 100% natural. I don't use automatic harmonizers. I just
sing the harmonies myself and bang them out with eight to twelve layers. As I've
been recording a lot of songs lately, this process is becoming very efficient,
and I can nail the harmonies usually with the first take (practice makes perfect,
But I have to admit that after singing 440+ lines in nine hours, my voice was
fairly stressed for the day. That's a stretch for any recording artist.
Where the lyrics came from
In terms of the lyrics, my goal was to make this song funny, edgy and even slightly
graphic (but not gross). I wanted it to tell the truth about what's going on
in the airports these days, but not to turn people off from getting too detailed
about the TSA's sexual molestation of little girls, for example. That's just
too graphic to put into a song.
It's a delicate balance. It's hard to make a topic this serious sound funny at
the same time. After all, we're talking about our freedoms here. Frankly, this
is no laughing matter, but the "don't touch my junk" line was just begging for
a comedy treatment, so I went for it.
On projects like these, you never really know what the public will think. No
doubt a few people will decide to be offended by the lyrics, but imagine how
much more offended they must feel by the TSA agents who actually perform these
I think singing as a form of public protest is an important expression
that will hopefully raise the kind of awareness that can lead to real changes.
After all, it is rather ridiculous that we Americans living here in the "Land
of the Free" are being molested by our own government agents in the name of "security."
Origins of some of the lines
On another topic, you may notice in the song some lines borrowed from the song "My
Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. That's where the line "This ain't your lovely
lady lump" comes from.
I also borrowed from MC Hammer with the "Don't Touch This" line that just fit
perfectly in the song.
The "Lordy Lordy I declare..." line is from an old schoolyard rhyme that today's
youth are probably not that familiar with, but anyone over the age of 40 will
instantly recognize it. The rhyme really does mention "London" and "France" which
just happens to rhyme with "underpants." This is not some sleight towards France,
by the way. It's just the way the rhyme goes. If anything, France's airport security
procedures make a lot more sense than America's right now...
The Scottish Kilt idea was borrowed from a journalist who actually wrote
about this a few days ago as a form of public protest against the TSA's unreasonable
searches. I don't recall the name of the journalist who first proposed that,
but I'd be happy to credit him if he'll contact me. It was a brilliant idea and
I wanted to reflect it in the song.
I originally recorded it as "Irish Kilt" but then I realized that kilts, even
they were used by the Irish, are more frequently associated with Scots. A "true
Scotsman" was a man who wore a kilt with no undergarments. So I went with the
Scottish kilt for the song.
In all, this song is really a conglomeration of ideas, sentiments and concerns
carried in the minds of millions of Americans right now. It merely reflects what
they're thinking -- and perhaps what they want to say -- with the benefit of
being wrapped inside a comedic musical presentation that's fully protected by
Free Speech (the First Amendment, of course).
That's the thing about the Amendments in the Bill of Rights: Each one helps protect
the other one. Without the First Amendment, I couldn't write this song. And frankly,
without the Second Amendment, Big Brother wouldn't bother paying any attention
to the People at all. Each of the first 10 Amendments in the Bill of Rights are
hugely important to our freedoms. And the entire point of creating the Bill of
Rights was to protect the People from government tyranny.
In other words, the Bill of Rights was created precisely to protect us
from the kind of thing we're suffering under today with the TSA -- an unreasonable,
even criminal invasion of our personal space by overzealous government thugs
on some sort of runaway power trip.
I hope you enjoy this song and share it with your friends. Spread the word that
Americans will not put up with TSA tyranny. Big Brother does not have
any rights to the junk in your trunk.