(NaturalNews) If you are past the honeymoon stage of a romantic relationship, chances are you have developed some less than helpful communication patterns.
These annoying little patterns serve as slow burning fuel that keeps a flame of resentment alive between you and your partner. It's super important to put an end to these, as enduring a chronically stressful relationship actually takes years
off your life, according to research
Each of the following communication patterns is simple and easy to identify. Most of them are immature habits that a lot of us tend to do on autopilot.
The hardest part is holding yourself accountable for these. Of course, when your partner does them to you
, it's easy
to point out. Not so easy the other way around, right? Take the challenge and make a simple, positive change by eliminating any of the following.
My thanks go to Jake Eagle, a frequent guest on Mental Health Exposed
, for helping me identify these patterns. Jake and his wife, Hannah, are co-developers of the renowned Dating, Relating and Mating
online couple education program.
Here the seven common habits that feed resentment in relationships:
1. When your partner says something you don't like (although reasonable), you leave the room
There are times to leave a room. You must remove yourself from volatile situations, so don't get this one confused.
Many people leave the room, however, when they simply don't like what they are hearing
. Men, for example, often just walk out when their wives raise any issue that they don't want to deal with.
Childish.How come you've been slacking around the house? Where did you go after work? I need to talk more.
A lot of guys just check out at this point. Not helpful!
2. When your partner is talking, you're rolling your eyes
You might as well just call the other person a complete idiot. Few things are as dismissive as rolling your eyes when another is talking to you.
Of course, you may not like what they are saying. What you are being told may be unreasonable,
sure. Rolling your eyes isn't a solution to this issue, however. It usually only makes things worse.
(It may be, if you're into self-sabotage.)
3. Non-committed auto-kisses
This one seems harmless enough. But it may not be so harmless if you think about it. Autopilot kisses may not hurt, but they certainly do not say, "I'm am totally in love with you!"
If you are going to kiss your lover, even if it isn't a make out session, why not take an extra moment and make it real? That extra moment is full of positive emotion and it makes a difference.
4. Arguing that your partner's feelings are wrong
This one is mind-boggling, but we've all done it at some point. Telling your partner that he or she is wrong
for having certain feelings.
True, some feelings are based on an inaccurate interpretation of reality. Still, accusing someone of wrongdoing isn't the way out.She:
I'm feeling jealous because there was a pretty woman at the party and you noticed her.He:
Well, you're crazy if you think I did anything.She:
Why are you getting defensive, then?He:
There you go again! You need to just let this jealousy stuff go!Ineffective. Harmful. Damaging to trust.
It is better to validate feelings before attempting to clear things up. For example:She:
I'm feeling jealous because there was a pretty woman at the party and you noticed her.
Oh, I'm sorry you are feeling that way. That must be difficult.She:
Yeah, I just can't help but think that if there is another pretty woman, you must be interested in her.
Do you think I really am interested?She:
No, it just feels bad. I know I need to work on this...
This outcome is MUCH more likely if you validate the others' feelings, even if they are irrational. Of course, if the feelings are based on the truth, then you've got some work of your own to do, which is a good thing to recognize.
Calm down. Listen. Have a rational conversation, rather than get immediately defensive and call your best friend and lover crazy.
5. Refusing to apologize
Some many of us would rather be self-righteous than connected to others.
Refusing to admit a mistake does serious damage to any intimate relationship. How can you be close to someone who cares infinitely more about their own ego than they care about establishing mutual respect?
If you cannot apologize, you will find it very hard to be close to anyone because we all make mistakes.
Sarcasm is "a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter taunt."
Being sarcastic can be funny. And it is easy to be sarcastic about the state of the economy, government, or any system.
However, when you are sarcastic toward the one you love, it hurts. Even when the other doesn't show hurt, rest assured that sarcasm is cutting it's through to the heart and leaving a scar.
After years of sarcasm at someone's expense, intimacy is out the window.
7. Bickering. "You said X." "No I didn't."
Pointless bickering creates a rocky relationship. Does it really matter who said what and when? Isn't it more important to figure out where you are NOW and move forward?
Bickering is another major roadblock to intimacy, one that blames the other person. Of course, this leads to mutual blame and destroys peace of mind.
What if you committed to stop bickering, start cooperating and simple-mindedly began looking for solutions to resolve the situation you find yourself in at this moment?
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Also, check out my new book, Your Achilles Eel: Discover and Overcome the Hidden Source of Negative Emotions, Bad Decisions and Self-Sabotage. Click here to learn more.
About the author:
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage
and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.
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