(NaturalNews Satire) Susan G. Komen for the Cure today announced its alliance with the RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company in launching its new brand of pink cigarettes called "Komen Smokes." Emblazoned with the slogan, "A pack a day keeps cancer away," three cents from every pack of cigarettes will be directed to funding the search for the cure for cancer.
It's all part of the Susan G. Komen for the Cure's expansion into fundraising for cancer research by selling more products and services that actually cause cancer. "Komen for the Cure has already endorsed fast food fried chicken and toxic cosmetics made with cancer-causing chemicals," said pinkwashing spokesperson Dave Sourface. "So we thought, hey, why not just make money off cigarettes, too?"
Thanks to a recent decision to abandon all ethics and just go after the money, Susan G. Komen for the Cure has been able to expand its pinkwashing campaign to a number of new and unusual sectors of the economy:
• The Ukraine chapter of Susan G. Komen for the Cure will be hosting "Chernobyl Tours for the Cure" that offer visitors a chance to walk through the radioactive remains of the former nuclear power plant that suffered a meltdown in 1986. Komen spokesperson Dave Sourface explained, "It's like receiving a thousand mammograms all at once! What could be wrong with that?"
• In China, organs harvested from political prisoners are being spray-painted pink and sold back to wealthy transplant recipients under Susan G. Komen's new, "Organ Harvesting for the Cure" program. "The cool thing about this is that many of the organs are already pink," explained Sourface. "So we don't even have to color them pink."
• In Houston, Texas, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure chapter will be hosting an all-you-can-eat "Bacon for the Cure" contest. All the bacon will be laced with extra sodium nitrite (a cancer-causing chemical found in most bacon products) with the purpose of seeing who can eat the most bacon without dying of cancer right on the spot. Oncologists will be standing by with chemotherapy injection devices to "treat" the contestants who develop spontaneous tumors.
• The Las Vegas, Nevada offices of Susan G. Komen for the Cure has announced its new "Gambling for the Cure" program featuring pink casinos that are offering to donate 1% of the losings of gambling addicts to the organization.
But among all these pinkwashing campaign efforts, Susan G. Komen for the Cure believes that its "Komen Smokes" program will be the most successful. "We've laced our pink cigarettes with extra nicotine to help our smokers get addicted to fundraising." said Sourface.
Getting our (pink) cut
Critics have been quick to point out the hypocrisy of an apparent cancer fundraising non-profit group making money off products and services that actually cause cancer, but this didn't seem to faze Komen for the Cure. "People are buying cigarettes every day," explained spokesperson Sourface. "Why shouldn't we use some of that money to expand our organization and pay our executives higher salaries?"
"We want to take a cut of every transaction in the free world by calling it pink," said Sourface. "When a drug dealer sells crack on the street, we want it to be pink Susan G. Komen crack. When a customer hires a prostitute in Vegas, we want them to be using pink Susan G. Komen condoms. When the U.S. Army fights a war in the Middle East, we want them to be firing pink Komen bullets. Whether it's junk food, bullets, condoms, illegal street drugs, gambling or even organized prostitution, we want our pink cut of the action."
Sort of like the mob.
K.F.C. now stands for Komen For the Cure. (Followed by a huge bout of laughter at the idea that eating fried chicken can cure cancer.) (Thank you to R. S. for the tip on that.)
This article is published for entertainment purposes only, and the contents of this article are protected under the Free Speech provisions of the Constitution of the United States of America. This article is not endorsed by the RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company nor the Susan G. Komen for the Cure organization. The exaggeration used here is presented in the context of outrage to point out how ridiculous our world has become where fried chicken is sold as a cure for cancer, and non-profits get away with marketing fraud by hiding behind pink ribbons.
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