Twelve better uses for the 1,990-page health care reform bill (satire)

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(NaturalNews) The health care reform bill just passed by the US House of Representatives is a walloping 1,990 pages weighing 19.6 pounds. As NaturalNews previously reported (http://www.naturalnews.com/027427_h...), it required the destruction of 319 trees just to print the 1,335 copies produced by the U.S. Government Printing Office for members of Congress.

Sadly, this bill is a complete waste of trees. Rather than reforming a sick care system into a true health care system, it simply makes sick care mandatory so that everyone has to pay money to the very industries (Big Pharma in particular) that are keeping the American people diseased and bankrupt.

But the health care reform bill isn't completely useless. There are at least a dozen other uses for these 1,990 pages. Here are the top twelve:

#1) Place the 1,990 pages in the waiting room of your local doctor's office for the reading enjoyment of all the patients waiting to be diagnosed with fictitious psychiatric disorders.

#2) Stuff them into the Large Hadron Collider to see if the sheer mass of all these pages might have the ability to open a portal to an alternate universe where health care isn't run by crooks and idiots.

#3) Tie the mass of pages above the front door to your house, setting a trap that will knock an intruder unconscious (and send him to the hospital where he will be denied emergency treatment because he has no health insurance...)

#4) Place the 1,990 pages in a large steel vat, then add some bacteria to turn the wood pulp into ethanol to fuel the private jets chartered by pharmaceutical company CEOs.

#5) Get the U.S. government to air drop the papers from planes flying over Iraq, then have President Obama explain they're "peacekeeping pamphlets." (Because who can fight when they're sick and diseased anyway?)

#6) Recycle the paper fibers into the manufacture of a large number of composting toilets, then ship them to Congress to send a message that legislators are full of something and need some place to put it.

#7) Give away one copy of the 1,990-page bill with each H1N1 vaccine shot. That way, when people still get sick from influenza because the vaccine doesn't work, they have something to read while they're spending $1,000 a day for a hospital bed.

#8) Grind up the pages, mix with chicken poop and feed them to cattle. Chicken poop is already fed to cattle, so a little printed paper could hardly be any worse, right? (http://www.naturalnews.com/027414_d...) Or better, grind them up and sprinkle the bits into the food at the Congressional cafeteria in order to make these lawmakers literally eat their own words!

#9) Have all the paper pressed into cards, then have the cards delivered back to the US House of Representatives, thereby making it a House of Cards.

#10) Require any legislator who wants to vote for the bill to first try to lift it over their heads and hold it there for 60 seconds. If they can carry the bill, then the bill carries.

#11) Recycle all the pages into consumer toilet paper -- but don't bleach out the words. This way, consumers who buy the "green" recycled Congressional toilet paper product can notice the printed words and see exactly where their tax dollars are going.

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