FDA outlaws vitamin D, seeks to destroy sun to protect Americans from sunlight (satire)

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In a surprising move, the FDA has now banned the manufacture and use of vitamin D, citing studies that show vitamin D to be a powerful physiological substance that needs to undergo FDA approval before individuals are allowed to use it. Since sunlight exposure causes vitamin D production in the human body, individuals who intentionally expose themselves to sunlight will now be arrested and have their blood confiscated by federal health authorities. All citizens are advised to coat themselves with sunscreen every time they go out in the sun and avoid sun exposure until further notice.

Individuals caught seeking sunlight may be charged with not only possession, but trafficking of the vitamin D drug. DEA agents have been alerted and will be called in to arrest sunbathers. Sunscreen checkpoints will also be set up in public places where sunlight may occur, and any citizen who fails to test positive for the presence of sunscreen on their skin will be immediately arrested and charged with trafficking vitamin D.

Hat companies and sunscreen manufacturers hailed the FDA's decision.

The FDA has also alerted the news media to the fact that, since many fish contain vitamin D, the fish inventory in grocery stores around the country will be confiscated, and fish oil products will no longer be allowed on the market. "We have found fish to contain alarming levels of this dangerous, unapproved drug," said an FDA spokesperson.

To protect the U.S. population from the harmful effects of sunlight, the FDA is recommending that a giant, sun-blocking dome be built over the entire country. Funds to build the dome have already been promised by makers of cancer drugs, who stand to receive a windfall of profits once cancer explodes across the population due to universal vitamin D deficiencies.

Dubbed the "Merck dome," the inside of the dome will also display drug advertisements round-the-clock, allowing people to find the name of any drug they need simply by looking towards the sky. To appease likely complaints from astronomers unhappy with a giant dome blocking their view of the universe, Merck promises to paint pictures of the moon, planets and stars across the ceiling, mixed in with the pharmaceutical advertisements.

The FDA is also petitioning NASA to launch a mission to actually destroy the sun, thereby protecting humans from the dangers of ultraviolet radiation. All that is necessary for mainstream support of this agenda is for President Bush to declare the sun to be a terrorist in possession of nuclear weapons. "The sun is dangerous," the FDA said in a recent press release. "Just looking at it can make you go blind. What more proof do you need?"

All Americans who currently have inventory of vitamin D pills or fish oil supplements are being asked to turn them in at their nearest pharmacy or face still penalties. The FDA promises to dispose of all the supplements in a safe, responsible manner by feeding them to prisoners in a series of radical medical experiments.

In other news, the FDA said it was ready to grant approval to the newest anticancer drug, called Herceptin, which, quite miraculously, has been shown to reduce the risk of recurring breast cancer by almost 1 percent. The drug will soon be available by prescription at the low cost of $11,000 per year, per patient. Following the announcement of Herceptin, an FDA spokesperson said, "Why do we need to take risks with dangerous vitamin D when we have clinically proven products like Herceptin ready to be safely used by everyone?"

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