ATTENTION ALL BIRDS
Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo
Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.
As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive at international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear the birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not carrying undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.
All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee which must be paid three separate times, at three different government offices, after standing in three different lines as per standard INS regulations.
All undocumented birds shall here forth be deemed "terrorists."
Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds ("terrorists") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"
The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing epileptic seizures.
Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers. (Torture photos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)
Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.
Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurlock.
Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with five thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane Katrina victims and still hasn't completely melted.
All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act. Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses will be deemed "enemy combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson Foods foul interrogators.
All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.
Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same answer for everyone: "Drink more milk."
The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division
Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute or repost is granted, provided credit is given to Mike Adams at http://www.NaturalNews.com/013054.html
About the author: Mike Adams is a consumer health advocate and award-winning journalist with a passion for teaching people how to improve their health He has authored and published thousands of articles, interviews, consumers guides, and books on topics like health and the environment, reaching millions of readers with information that is saving lives and improving personal health around the world. Adams is an independent journalist with strong ethics who does not get paid to write articles about any product or company. In mid 2010, Adams produced NaturalNews.TV, a natural health video sharing website offering user-generated videos on nutrition, green living, fitness and more. He also launched an online retailer of environmentally-friendly products (BetterLifeGoods.com) and uses a portion of its profits to help fund non-profit endeavors. He's also the founder of a well known HTML email software company whose 'Email Marketing Director' software currently runs the NaturalNews subscription database. Adams volunteers his time to serve as the executive director of the Consumer Wellness Center, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization, and pursues hobbies such as martial arts, Capoeira, nature macrophotography and organic gardening. He's also author a large number of health books offered by Truth Publishing and is the creator of numerous reference website including NaturalPedia.com and the free downloadable Honest Food Guide. His websites also include the free reference sites HerbReference.com and HealingFoodReference.com. Adams believes in free speech, free access to nutritional supplements and the innate healing ability of the human body. Known as the 'Health Ranger,' Adams' personal health statistics and mission statements are located at www.HealthRanger.org
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Tuesday, November 15, 2005
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