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Originally published November 15 2005

Bird flu solved! Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) to deport all undocumented birds (humor)

by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor

Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo

Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.

As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive at international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear the birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not carrying undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.

All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee which must be paid three separate times, at three different government offices, after standing in three different lines as per standard INS regulations.

All undocumented birds shall here forth be deemed "terrorists."

Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds ("terrorists") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"

The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing epileptic seizures.

Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers. (Torture photos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)

Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.

Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurlock.

Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with five thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane Katrina victims and still hasn't completely melted.

All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act. Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses will be deemed "enemy combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson Foods foul interrogators.

All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.

Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same answer for everyone: "Drink more milk."

The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division

Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute or repost is granted, provided credit is given to Mike Adams at

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