New study declares Love a disease; medication may be available (satire)

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Doctors from the University of Allopath have announced that Love is a disease. It is characterized by abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired brain function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of sleep, among other signs. Thanks to this pioneering work from researchers sponsored by the leading drug firm Pferck, researchers have learned that love is a common biochemical disorder affecting both men and women of all ages.

Fortunately, it is treatable with prescription drugs. A new drug, Miserexa, combines beta blockers and antidepressants to alleviate the symptoms of Love. This drug slows the heart and helps patients feel detached from reality, counteracting the unhealthy neediness of Love.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the new drug this week. In a press conference, chief FDA drug approval scientist Dr. B. Fuddle said, "We are declaring war on Love, and doing everything in our power to eradicate Love from the world."

The market for Miserexa is expected to reach six billion dollars annually. "Love has reached epidemic proportions," explained a public relations representative of Pferk. "If we do not act immediately to thwart the spread of this disease, Love will run rampant, and we will be facing an epidemic of Love in the world."

Health researchers first became aware of the disease after being alerted to symptoms of Love by the psychiatry community, which has been instrumental in the detection and aggressive treatment of this dangerous condition with brain-altering drugs. "We were seeing it in an alarming number of patients," explained one psychiatrist, "and it was causing untold suffering in their lives. Fortunately, the condition can now be chemically corrected."

Further study revealed that Love is highly contagious. It can apparently spread from one person to another, although the mechanism of transmission is currently unknown (scientists suspect it may be spread on toilet seats and doorknobs). Love also spreads easily from mother to child, especially in newborns. Interestingly, Love has no effect on landlords and corporate CEOs, who seem to possess some unknown immunity to the disease.

Given the expanding threat of this disease, doctors stress it is important that all adults get screened for Love as soon as possible. Hospitals and clinics are now setting up Love screening programs in the hopes of catching the disease early and treating it aggressively with targeted pharmaceuticals. "Nearly half the population may now be suffering from Love," said Dr. Fuddle, "and we estimate more than 90% of the carriers are currently going without treatment. It is important that we provide screenings and treatment on a population-wide basis."

If Love is not detected and treated in its early stages, it can advance to the point where the only solution is surgery. In such severe cases of Love, skilled surgeons perform a cardiectomy (a surgical removal of the heart). The procedure is risky, and many patients have died on the operating table, but many more have been successfully saved from the ravages of Love by the skillful blade of a compassionate surgeon.

The American Misery Association (AMA), whose mission is to find the cure for Love, is working hard to help educate the general public to watch for early signs of Love. People are urged to conduct a Love self-examination in the privacy of their own homes, and to watch out for the classic symptoms of Love: racing pulse, sweaty palms, inability to speak in coherent sentences, or confusion around certain attractive individuals. People are also taught how to avoid giving Love to others -- an important step in halting the spread of this disease.

If you suspect that you or someone you tolerate might be suffering from Love, don't wait. Treatable is available. Don't let Loved ones suffer any longer.

This press release is brought to you by Pferck, where today's rip-off drug prices fund tomorrow's profit miracles.

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