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The top ten reasons why the U.S. needs more pharmaceutical companies (satire)

Thursday, October 28, 2004 by: Mike Adams (see all articles by this author) | Key concepts: drug companies, pharmaceutical companies and Big Pharma

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1. Cures: We need drug companies to keep finding cures for major diseases. Look at all the cures they've found so far like... well... okay, they haven't actually found any cures yet. But maybe they can at least cure all the bogus diseases they made up like "social anxiety disorder" and "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder."

2. National Security: U.S. drug companies are crucial for protecting our national security by banning prescription drugs from untrustworthy countries like Canada -- which we all know is just a rabble of war-mongering nitwits who invade third world countries for sport (and then lie about why they did).

3. The Economy: never mind that most pharmaceutical companies sell useless products at ridiculous prices. All that money changing hands is great for the economy. You may be diseased, but think on the bright side: your Big Pharma stocks are soaring! (With all that money, you might even be able to afford health insurance...)

4. Doctors: Without the pharmaceutical companies, what would all the doctors do for work? After all, most so-called "medicine" involves little more than scribbling out a prescription for the latest mass-advertised drug. Without drugs, doctors might actually have to TALK to patients. Horrors!

5. Ethics: With Enron gone, we need a new, national example of strong ethics that properly communicate the essence of American corporate greed. Pharmaceutical companies could make Enron look like the Girl Scouts.

6. Political Fundraising: We need drug companies to support the re-election efforts of honest national leaders like President Bush who, as we all know, is crucial for protecting our civil liberties.

7. Publishers: Without drug company advertising, who would support all the newspaper and magazine publishers in this country? After all, many print publications are now little more than pro-drug infomercial rags dressed up to look like credible news magazines.

8. Patient Responsibility: Without drug companies shifting health responsibility away from patients, the people would actually have to think for themselves and take control of their own health. That's simply too much to ask from a dumbed-down population where no child was left behind (except for the ones who were).

9. The Environment: Drug companies set an excellent example of fair and balanced environmental policy, which is why antidepressant drugs are now showing up in the water supply. Their new environmental slogan? "You take it, you flush it, we fuggedaboutit!"

10. The Elderly: Everybody agrees we need honest U.S. businesses to look out for the interests of our elders. Pharmaceutical companies handle this with finesse by taking responsibility for the full monthly incomes of most retired folks. It's a genuine public service.

About the author: Mike Adams is a natural health researcher and author with a passion for sharing empowering information to help improve personal and planetary health He is a prolific writer and has published thousands of articles, interviews, reports and consumer guides, impacting the lives of millions of readers around the world who are experiencing phenomenal health benefits from reading his articles. Adams is an independent journalist with strong ethics who does not get paid to write articles about any product or company. In 2007, Adams launched EcoLEDs, a manufacturer of mercury-free, energy-efficient LED lighting products that save electricity and help prevent global warming. He also launched an online retailer of environmentally-friendly products (BetterLifeGoods.com) and uses a portion of its profits to help fund non-profit endeavors. He's also a noted technology pioneer and founded a software company in 1993 that developed the HTML email newsletter software currently powering the NaturalNews subscriptions. Adams is currently the executive director of the Consumer Wellness Center, a 501(c)3 non-profit, and practices nature photography, Capoeira, Pilates and organic gardening. Known by his callsign, the 'Health Ranger,' Adams posts his missions statements, health statistics and health photos at www.HealthRanger.org

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