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Originally published October 28 2004

The top ten reasons why the U.S. needs more pharmaceutical companies (satire)

by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor

1. Cures: We need drug companies to keep finding cures for major diseases. Look at all the cures they've found so far like... well... okay, they haven't actually found any cures yet. But maybe they can at least cure all the bogus diseases they made up like "social anxiety disorder" and "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder."

2. National Security: U.S. drug companies are crucial for protecting our national security by banning prescription drugs from untrustworthy countries like Canada -- which we all know is just a rabble of war-mongering nitwits who invade third world countries for sport (and then lie about why they did).

3. The Economy: never mind that most pharmaceutical companies sell useless products at ridiculous prices. All that money changing hands is great for the economy. You may be diseased, but think on the bright side: your Big Pharma stocks are soaring! (With all that money, you might even be able to afford health insurance...)

4. Doctors: Without the pharmaceutical companies, what would all the doctors do for work? After all, most so-called "medicine" involves little more than scribbling out a prescription for the latest mass-advertised drug. Without drugs, doctors might actually have to TALK to patients. Horrors!

5. Ethics: With Enron gone, we need a new, national example of strong ethics that properly communicate the essence of American corporate greed. Pharmaceutical companies could make Enron look like the Girl Scouts.

6. Political Fundraising: We need drug companies to support the re-election efforts of honest national leaders like President Bush who, as we all know, is crucial for protecting our civil liberties.

7. Publishers: Without drug company advertising, who would support all the newspaper and magazine publishers in this country? After all, many print publications are now little more than pro-drug infomercial rags dressed up to look like credible news magazines.

8. Patient Responsibility: Without drug companies shifting health responsibility away from patients, the people would actually have to think for themselves and take control of their own health. That's simply too much to ask from a dumbed-down population where no child was left behind (except for the ones who were).

9. The Environment: Drug companies set an excellent example of fair and balanced environmental policy, which is why antidepressant drugs are now showing up in the water supply. Their new environmental slogan? "You take it, you flush it, we fuggedaboutit!"

10. The Elderly: Everybody agrees we need honest U.S. businesses to look out for the interests of our elders. Pharmaceutical companies handle this with finesse by taking responsibility for the full monthly incomes of most retired folks. It's a genuine public service.

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