Originally published November 3 2009
Ten reasons why the FDA allows Cocoa Krispies cereal to make outrageous claims of boosting immunity (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
(NaturalNews) By now, the whole internet knows that Kellogg's is under harsh scrutiny for making ridiculous "immunity" claims for their sugary Cocoa Krispies cereal.
But did you know the real reason why the FDA continues to allow this laughable medical claim on the front of Cocoa Krispies boxes? Below, I explain the top ten reasons why this labeling hilarity is tolerated by the FDA.
#1) Because nutritional health claims carry more scientific weight when they're introduced by magical singing elves.
#2) The Food and Drug Administration only covers FOOD and DRUGS. Cocoa Krispies, being made from processed, nutritionally-depleted rice starch and sugar (and more sugar), doesn't qualify as either.
#3) All the FDA enforcers are high on Lucky Charms. (And those diamonds in the sky aren't just from the cereal...)
#4) Speaking of mind-bending drugs, when Kellogg's explained to the FDA that the cereal's cartoon characters were Snap, Crackle and Pop, the FDA thought they said Smack, Crack and Pot -- and under new Justice Department rules, that's all fine and dandy.
#5) Because high-fructose corn syrup is a "Smart Choice" for fast-growing little boys and girls. We should put it in more foods! (If we could only find any foods that don't already have it...)
#6) Sugar, more sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial flavoring and partially-hydrogenated vegetable oil sounds like the perfect recipe for boosting America's economy by creating a million new jobs in the "diabetes sector."
#7) Because surveys prove that parents would like to get more of their health information from imaginary cartoon characters rather than health websites.
#8) Because spray-on vitamins work like spray-on tans: They look good on the surface, but they don't work when you really need them.
#9) Because there's a free vial of H1N1 vaccine hidden in every cereal box (along with a kids' injection needle so they can self-medicate to boost immune function right at home!).
#10) Because the FDA already knows the swine flu vaccine doesn't really work, and they need all the help they can get to boost children's immunity using any means necessary... including refined white sugar!
Bizarre (but true) facts about Rice KrispiesIf you're wondering why I've included all the references to recreational drugs here, you may not yet be aware of the 1933 radio ad promoting Rice Krispies, which featured a dreamy voice saying the following:
"Listen to the fairy song of health, the merry chorus sung by Kellogg's Rice Krispies as they merrily snap, crackle, and pop in a bowl of milk. If you've never heard food talking, now is your chance."
How HIGH do you have to be to come up with this stuff, anyway? Listen to the fairy song of health? Listen to your food TALKING? Do Rice Krispies include a free "prize" of LSD or something?
And what's with the Rice Krispy character roles? Snap is portrayed as a chef. Crackle wears a red-and-white striped stocking cap. Pop wears the hat of a marching band leader. Are these elves cross-dressers? Has anybody else wondered why Kellogg's didn't just throw in The Village People too? (Grin)
Snap, Crackle and Pop aren't the only elves exploited to promote Rice Krispies, by the way. There was a fourth elf: Pow. Pow was supposed to represent the nutritional explosiveness of the Rice Krispies cereal, but -- get this -- he was discontinued by Kellogg's. I guess the nutrition was irrelevant...
Maybe they'll bring back Pow right now to tout the amazing immune-boosting properties of this synthetic vitamin-laced cereal.
In any case, Cocoa Krispies does taste pretty good, if I remember correctly. It's been a few decades since I've eaten cereal championed by cross-dressing, magical singing elves offering me a "fairy song of health" dreamed up by food company executives high on acid. But I assure you, it still tastes basically the same. That's because the recipe for the cereal's unstoppable success hasn't changed since the 1930's: Puff some rice, roll it around in liquid sugar, add some artificial coloring and flavoring, then create fun animated characters who imbue the product with a whole new level drug-inspired entertainment for children.
Because eating Cocoa Krispies isn't just a meal. It's a trip!
Sources for this story include:
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