Originally published June 1 2007
Bush Administration announces effort to reduce greenhouse gas emissions through "wishful thinking" (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
(NaturalNews Satire) In a significant nod toward pro-environment politics, the Bush Administration yesterday announced a major initiative to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by encouraging everybody to engage in "Wishful Thinking" to cut emissions without harming the economy. "Wishing for change is far more important than actually cutting greenhouse emissions," Bush said in a prepared statement. "We urge all Americans to take up Wishful Thinking to lower CO2 emissions and, if necessary, to even use up their birthday wishes in this national effort."
Bush's science team approved the scientific validity of the plan, citing strong evidence that wishing gets things done. "Nearly half the voters wished that Bush would be elected president, and that came true," said one science officer. "There's no reason to believe the same effort of Wishful Thinking won't also produce a second miracle." President Bush also said he watched "The Secret" and is now invoking the power of intention to end global warming in a way that won't harm the economy.
To help businesses comply with the administration's Wishful Thinking policy of CO2 emissions reduction, the Bush Administration will issue small copper brass lamps (made in China) to all polluters in the United States, along with instructions to rub the genie lamps and make three wishes before firing up any coal plant, automobile or manufacturing facility. Individual citizens will also be required to engage in Wishful Thinking to stop global warming, and those Americans who refuse to participate will be branded "eco terrorists" under a little-known provision in the Patriot Act that grants FBI agents the legal right to give atomic wedgies to anyone demanding civil liberties.
Not everyone is convinced that Wishful Thinking will actually result in greenhouse gas emissions reductions. Lawmakers were quick to leap on the obvious weakness in President Bush's ambitious plan. Rep. Ron Paul, a commonsense Congressman gaining popularity among those Americans who still have any brains left, pointed out that, "When Kennedy announced a plan to send a man to the moon, they actually built a rocket. Under Bush's plan, I suppose we could have just asked everybody to wish a man to the moon and skipped the rest."
While President Bush wishes for greenhouse gas emissions reductions, the international community is wishing President Bush would set measurable emissions caps -- something he has been reluctant to do because after he ran out of fingers and toes, he could no longer count the tons of CO2 actually being produced. That's why all polluters in the U.S. are officially recorded as producing exactly ten tons of CO2 annually.
The economy vs. the environmentThe argument about cutting greenhouse gas emissions has long focused on the economy vs. the environment. The argument logic goes like this: As long as we make money today, it doesn't matter if we destroy the planet tomorrow!
Of course, there are some desperate eco-deniers who claim that greenhouse emissions have no impact on the climate, and that if we would all move to the far left side of the flat Earth, it would tilt over like a playground see-saw and all the greenhouse gasses would just fall off the edge. These are the same scientific minds who have been advising President Bush on environmental policy over the last several years and who have convinced the President to announce a greenhouse gas emissions reduction plan that essentially offers no reductions.
Which is sort of like writing a recipe book that lists no ingredients. Or riffing on stage with rock band Linkin Park and then realizing you're only playing the air guitar. Bush is clearly playing air guitar with environmental policy, and he's jamming out tunes that nobody else can hear (because they only exist in his own head). Bush is the only President audacious enough to hold a press event announcing the intention to talk about future talks covering exactly nothing. The layers of B.S. are getting thick on this issue, even by Washington's standards.
Speaking of bull excrement, Bush also signed an executive order outlawing cow farts -- a significant source of methane gas that scientists say is more dangerous to the climate than a room full of eco-ignorant politicians. Cows will now be required to hold it in, and the Cow Agency of Farting Enforcement (CAFE) is being formed as a new division under the Department of Homeland Security. Agents are descending upon Greeley, Colorado to monitor the flatulence of cow herds at this very moment. The only question is: Will the view be any different than their regular jobs? Because it's all bullsh*t in Washington, too.
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