Originally published January 12 2006
Science news update: Clones, Mars, quantum computing, weapons technology and more (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
Here's the latest science news that's worth noting:
My clone did it
Our faith in science is now restored! It turns out that Korean stem cell researcher Hwang Woo-suk actually didn't fake his research. His clone did. "The fact that my clone faked this research on stem cells," explained Mr. Hwang, "is proof that my cloning process works." Mr. Hwang is now making arrangements to have his clone fired so that he can get back to the job of fooling prestigious scientific journals (which are busy printing retractions so fast they're suffering from paper cuts).
New non-violent weapons technology
A new weapons system developed by Raytheon is earning great praise from military officials: it's a non-violent weapon that doesn't kill people, it just makes them stupid (like a frontal lobotomy EMP weapon). Unfortunately, the first test detonation of the weapon took place over Washington D.C. while Congress was in session. The good news is that nobody could tell the difference.
Give me back that Brad Pitt memory!
In intellectual property news, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is pushing new copyright legislation that would make it a felony crime to actually remember watching any movies whatsoever. The argument? "By opening your eyes, you are making a copy of the movie in your memory." That copy, the MPAA insists, is a bootleg copy. To solve the problem, cinemas will now be outfitted with memory wiping devices that lobotomize movie memories as customers leave the theaters. The MPAA also believes the new technology, "...will be great for repeat business" since movie-goers won't be able to remember whether they saw movies or not. The new legislation is named "the Entertainment Preservation and Eco-Green Civil Rights Reforestation Clean Earth Anti-Terrorism Patriotic Duty Happy Happy People Act" of 2006 and is expected to pass with unanimous support in Washington.
Dogs sniff out cancer
Dogs have now been trained to sniff out breast cancer and lung cancer just by smelling a person's breath (no kidding). With a 90% accuracy rate, the process surpasses the best cancer-detection technology invented by scientists. To take the breakthrough one step further, dogs are now being trained to sniff out fraudulent non-profits in the cancer industry. The first potential targets? National breast cancer foundations that ignore low-cost prevention strategies and use silly pink ribbons as patient recruiting tools for Big Medicine (all while accepting millions of dollars in "gift money" from drug companies and mammogram manufacturers).
Mars rovers get pity squeegee wipes
The Mars rovers, which should have stopped functioning six months ago, are still rambling across the red planet thanks to their solar panels, which have been repeatedly cleaned and washed by some unknown phenomenon. NASA scientists, who are not easily fooled, are nonetheless baffled by the longevity of the rovers, although a recent stream of captured images might hold some clues: They appear to show scrawny Martian humanoids hobbling towards the rovers with dingy towels and a squeegee.
This is intelligent design?
The recent science debate over intelligent design vs. evolution has divided the country into two cranky camps: those who think the human body is an imperfect result of millions of years of chance mutation, versus those who insist that male nipples actually have a dignified purpose because they're all part of an "intelligent design." The latter group is also working on plausible design explanations for the tailbone (actual tails, too, in 1% of newborns), annoying body hair, and, of course, that utterly useless pinky toenail. There's also the curious question of why any intelligently-designed biological form would still have to cram food, water and air down the same hole (that's the big pie hole in your face, nitwit). At least the food goes out somewhere else. But the used air returns the same way it went in! How stupid is that? Hey, insects have better oxygen intake systems than humans...
Dark matter found!
For nearly a century, scientists have told us that 96% of the matter in the universe is mysteriously undetectable or just plain missing. But this "dark matter" has just been found in the pockets of miscreant lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who was apparently collecting both money and dark matter in order to build a black hole larger than the U.S. national debt. This monumental task would have obviously violated Einstein's special law of relativity, which states that no person can accumulate wealth faster than their government can spend it.
The quantum Bush computer?
Scientists at the National Institute of Standards & Technology (NIST) in Boulder, Colorado, have succeeded in building an 8-qubit quantum computer that literally solves complex mathematical algorithms in an alternate universe, then "renders" the right answer in this one, where the observers are located (no kidding). As a side experiment, the team also recently built a "Bush quantum computer" that sends mathematical challenges and word problems into the alternate universe of the Bush Administration. So far, no answer has been received, but the White House did hint it was planning to declare war on quantum computing to see if troops might solve the problem.
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