I’ve been having some lawn problems, and I'm spending a fortune trying to get people to come over and take care of my lawn. I think they were overcharging me. I was so impressed by this doctor that I thought he might be able to help me out. I took in a patch of grass to the doctor, and explained that my lawn was turning brown in the summer. I didn't know why, but the color just changed. It was green in the spring, then it turned brown.
"Am I doing something wrong? Does it maybe need more water?" I asked my doctor. "No Mike. Your lawn has Brown’s Grass Disease," he responded.
He said, "It's very common. It's all over the country, all around the world, in fact. You'd be amazed how many people have Brown’s Grass Disease, and usually it's undiagnosed," he said. "Wow, that's kind of scary," I said. "Yes, what we know in the medical community is that this is a pigmentation disorder," he explained. It has a genetic origin, in fact, because all grass pigments are based on genetics," he said. He also said that it was cyclical, and that at certain times of the year, certain species of grass will actually just change their color.
It was a good thing my doctor squared me away on that. He said, "Look here, take this bottle. You’re going to spray this on your grass." I asked, "Well, what's in this bottle?" He replied, "It's green pigmentation," "Really? Like the green pigmentation that the grass needs? Is that what this is?" I asked. "Yes, it's green pigmentation," he replied. "So, it's like paint?" I asked. He said, "Yes, it's kind of like spray paint but it's more. It's from the medical community, and it's been proven safe on your lawn. When you use this medicine on your grass, it will turn green!"
Wow! All this time, I'd been wasting precious water on the lawn. All I needed to do was buy this can of green pigmentation and spray the lawn. This apparently was the solution. I asked, "Well, how much is it?" And he said, "It's about $100 per bottle." "Whoa," I said, "That's kind of expensive for a lawn." He said, "Don't worry, your homeowner's insurance might cover it."
I started driving around, noticing that all my neighbors had Brown’s Grass Disease as well, but they didn't even know it. I went back to my doctor and said, "Apparently, this disease is contagious, because the two yards next to mine also have it." As the summer progressed, the disease kept on spreading. It just went from one yard to another, because these people didn't have the medicine that I had. I was out there knocking on my neighbors' doors, saying, "You know, you have Brown’s Grass Disease! You need to go see my doctor. He'll give you some stuff for it. Trust me, it solves it. Come over and look at my lawn. It's green! Not like your brown grass lawn." But they didn't listen. They're out there spraying water like a bunch of idiots.
Everything went along fine for a few weeks. My lawn was nice and green, even though I'd spent $5000 on this pigmentation product. But I had the best lawn in the neighborhood. Everyone else was out there wasting their time, spraying water. People even bought watering devices that keep on watering. It was just a complete waste.
Everything went fine for a while, then something went wrong. I was mowing my green grass, and I realized that it hadn't really grown very much. But I tried to mow it anyway. As I mowed it, I realized that it was all disintegrating and blowing away. It was almost as if the mower was just chopping up all the grass and spitting it out. I thought that this was pretty strange. I knew that grass was supposed to grow, and it should eventually get tall enough to mow. But this grass wasn't growing at all.
I gathered up a handful of this grass, and went back to my doctor, because the guy was really great and knew everything about cars and lawns. I asked him, "What's going on? Before, we had Brown’s Grass Disease, which we solved. What do we have now?"
I'd never heard of this, but he said, "Listen, take a seat. Mike, grasseoporosis is a disease that causes grass to become brittle. If you don't treat it early enough, the grass can actually break. If the wind blows, or you go over it with the mower, it will destroy the grass." He further said, "It's good that you came to me now, because we caught it early. We can give you something for this problem, but you're going to have to use it every day on the lawn in order to restore the structural integrity of that grass."
I was relieved to hear that. I didn't want to lose the whole lawn. I said, "Okay, but what is this stuff, and what’s it going to cost?" He said, "Here's what it is. There's another can that you spray on your grass, which is kind of like a glue. It holds the grass together, and prevents grasseoporosis from progressing. Here, take this can. Each one of those cans is a couple of hundred dollars, by the way."
By this time, I'd already put so much money into treating Brown’s Grass Disease that I figured I might as well just spend some more and get it all right. I want my lawn to be healthy, so what's a few hundred more dollars? I went ahead and bought some more cans of the grasseoporosis treatment.
But I was concerned about side effects, so I asked him, "Is this safe to be really be putting on a lawn?" The doctor said, "Yes, no problem. We have reps from the manufacturer who come here all the time and give us their safety data. They've done a dozen different clinical trials on this, and all the trials have come out positive. The lawns will be perfectly fine. This is fully approved by federal regulators. Everybody's okay with this, and everybody's using it. Go ahead and use it." I said, "Okay, no problem. I'll take this home and start spraying this on the lawn."
Everything was okay for a few more days, until it rained one day. No one had told me that one of the side effects of this grasseoporosis treatment apparently is that it forms a giant glob of gelatinous, glue-like substance that will ooze downhill when it rains. As it happened, my driveway was downhill from the lawn. There was a giant mass of superglue rolling across my driveway. As I was backing my car out of the driveway, it got stuck right there in the grasseoporosis glob. It was pretty bad stuff.
Now I had car trouble again; but of course, I knew who to go to. I also had another rain problem. When it rained, it actually took all the grass with it. So there was this huge glob of gooey, glue-like substance rolling across my driveway, with pretty much the whole lawn in there. It kept on moving downhill. When I looked at my hill, there was nothing but dirt and little stubbles of grass. The grass refused to grow, as it turned out. The lawn was gone, basically.
He said, "Now, I was afraid this might happen. Mike, it's a good thing you came to me. You're going to need a grass transplant. We're going to put some new grass in there and take out all that old grass." He also said, "This is going to be expensive, since there's a lot involved. We have to surgically remove the old grass and implant new grass and make sure everything works again." I said, " What's this going to cost me now? I'm halfway broke now, because I've been spending hundreds of dollars on grasseoporosis and the Brown’s Grass treatments." He said, "This will cost about $100,000. I don't think that your homeowners insurance is going to cover all of this."
I decided I was going to have to mortgage the house, and took out a second mortgage. I said, "You know, the lawn is worth it. I'm going to go all the way on this. Let's do the grass transplant surgery. Let's do it! We don't really have any other choice here. Let's put in a whole new lawn and we'll start over. Hopefully, the new one won't have Brown’s Grass Disease."
Sure enough, he brought over a team, and they put on their masks and their surgical coats. They brought these really huge scalpels, and they dug up what was left of the old lawn. Afterwards, they put in a whole new lawn that was green. It was green from day one. Apparently, it wasn't suffering from Brown’s Grass Disease, or perhaps they had already treated it with the pigmentation. I'm now paying off the new lawn with monthly payments.
Believe me, you don't want to see Brown’s Grass Disease. It is ugly. You don't want to see grasseoporosis, either. That is very difficult to treat. When it rains, you don't want to be anywhere near that glue. Believe me! You can get your car stuck in that thing. It's like walking through molasses. It also gives off lots of fumes. It's not pretty. So get your lawn screened today and catch this early.
Hopefully the new lawn transplant will take. Apparently, lawns sometimes reject new transplants. I didn't know that either. I'm currently spraying some medication on the lawn to try to make sure there's no rejection, That's expensive also, but what the heck. I've already mortgaged the house. Why not just go all the way? If that goes well, then the lawn will take root, and we'll have a brand new lawn in place. My neighbors will be envious...
In a few months, I hope to report back to you that that's what we've found. In the meantime, watch out for those lawn care scammers out there! And stop wasting water on your lawns, people. It's completely bogus, a bunch of hogwash. It's environmentally irresponsible, too. I learned from the doctors that you don't need to do any of that. All you need to do is get your lawn screened early, tested for these diseases, and treated with approved lawn medications.
To help spread the word, I'm currently contacting some celebrities to see if they will do some public service announcements urging people to get their lawns screened for these diseases. People believe celebrities.
I'm also going to sell $2 brown bracelets you can wear on your wrist. All the proceeds will go to support the Brown's Grass Disease Foundation. My doctor is on the board of directors there, so you know it's a good organization doing good work for society. They're hoping to find a cure within five years.