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The top 10 uses for Christmas fruitcakes (satire)

Friday, December 22, 2006
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: Christmas, holiday food, fruitcake

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For as long as I can remember, the Christmas fruitcake has been a terrific source of holiday humor. I've never actually eaten a fruitcake, but I've seen lots of them, including one that I'm pretty sure was made with gummy bears. It's not just the name that's hilarious ("Fruit" and "Cake" don't belong in the same food item), but the physical appearance, too, which looks something like the injection molding for some kind of crude landmine.

Receiving a fruitcake for Christmas may be the ultimate insult. When a friend or relative gives you a fruitcake for Christmas, it's like they're saying, "You are so utterly boring that I couldn't think of a single interesting thing to get you for Christmas, so I defaulted to a fruitcake." Because when we're shopping for Christmas presents, the one thing we can all count on is that our friends have mouths. Thus, a fruitcake is never totally irrelevant to a person. It is the least common denominator in the universe of possible Christmas gifts. It's sort of like giving someone toilet paper. At least you know they can use it and it won't end up abandoned in some closet 72 hours later after the batteries give out.

Although Christmas fruitcakes have no legitimate uses as a gift, they do have other applications. In my, Top ten uses for Christmas fruitcake comic, I attempt to document some of the more creative uses of the fruitcake. The point of sharing this is not merely entertainment, either. This is a homework assignment. Anyone disliked enough to have actually received a fruitcake for Christmas may redeem their dignity by subjecting that sugary loaf to a far more interesting use than merely eating it or throwing it away.

Actually eating a fruitcake is too easy. You get a fruitcake, you eat it. Far too predictable -- where's the Christmas spirit in that? Much better to return that fruitcake to your neighbor with special "air" delivery via a homemade catapult. Or wedge it behind the rear tire of that sun-beaten RV they've had parked in their driveway since 1982.

A fruitcake is like an artist's canvas -- it holds endless possibilities for amusement. If you actually receive a fruitcake as a gift, thank the gift giver for your new "decoration" and hang it on your front door instead of a Christmas wreathe. Better yet, save the fruitcake for one full year and give it back to the same person who gave it to you. And tell them the truth, too: "I've been saving this for you for a whole year! And whaddaya know... it even turned green just in time for Christmas!"

Whatever you do, don't actually eat the thing. Unless, of course, you want to spend half the next calendar year working off the extra body fat you've stored over the Christmas holiday season. Fruitcakes go right to your belly (men) or hips (women), and they stick there like frozen reindeer snot, refusing to budge until the Spring thaw.

Of course, there's always the conformist approach to this whole thing, which involves -- gasp! -- eating the fruitcake. If it's a homemade fruitcake made with whole grains, organic fruits and non-refined sugar, I'd probably eat it too. But if it's one of those factory-made fruit cakes, with neon colored fruit, crack cocaine sugar crystals and enough preservatives to give it a shelf life through Christmas '09, then do the world a favor and find an alternate use for the thing.

And for God's sake don't leave it out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve! The guy just got over his diabetes problem and the last thing he needs is a massive sugar jolt while making his rounds. Have you ever tried to give yourself an insulin injection while bouncing along in a sleigh pulled by a team of hoofed animals? I think not...

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

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