Originally published July 26 2013
The Weiner rules: Ten new laws to be enacted if Anthony Weiner becomes mayor (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
(NaturalNews) It's Friday and I've had an intense week, so for the sake of some public humor at the expense of someone who clearly deserves it, here are the top ten new laws you'll see in New York City if Anthony Weiner becomes mayor.
Read the list (if you dare), have a laugh, and enjoy your Friday. (Warning, mature content... or highly immature, come to think of it.)
#1) The Weiner Freedom Initiative - Based on the idea that weiners have been locked up and zipped up -- i.e. "incarcerated" -- for generations, the Weiner Freedom Initiative would grant weiners citizen status, allowing them to obtain New York driver's licenses and vote in political erections.
#2 The Big Brother Weiner Sex Surveillance Act - This special law allows the Mayor of New York to surveil, in real time, anyone engaged in sex acts, anywhere throughout the city. It's all part of protecting New Yorkers from terrorists, of course! (Hat tip to Anthony Gucciardi for this completely inappropriate suggestion...)
#3 The Pension-To-Penis Rehabilitation Act - This very important law will confiscate all police and firefighter pension funds and redirect them to the purchase of a 10-year supply of Viagra for all men over the age of 40... who just happen to be police and firefighters. So instead of retirement funds, they will receive boner meds. HECK YEAH!
#4) The Child Sexting Protection Act - this act is designed to protect minors from prosecution under child porn laws if they happen to text each other nude photos of themselves. The act also protects children if they sext pictures to Mayor Weiner.
#5) The Hemp and Polygamy Legalization Act - Mayor Weiner wants to legalize hemp, but not as much as he wants to legalize polygamy! Smoke a joint, gather some gals, and pretend you're Carlos Danger...
Oh, speaking of Carlos Danger:
#6) Carlos Danger Appreciation Day - We all love Carlos Danger! He's an international man of mystery... and maybe even an undocumented immigrant, too! He's got an insatiable appetite for loving all New Yorkers. Or at least the ones with female body parts who are under the age of 25...
#7) The "Scripted Wife" Provision - This provision of New York marriage law will allow all husbands to force their wives to read from scripts any time they get caught cheating over and over again with multiple sex partners.
#8) The Crotch Crusader Indemnification Act - Part of the "Weiner freedom" initiative (see above), the Crotch Crusader Indemnification Act will indemnify and grant "superhero" status to any Democrat whose crotch photos appear on the internet. The act does not apply to Republicans because their crotches are considered crimes against humanity.
#9) Presumed Consent Bestiality Provision - If children can be granted presumed consent for vaccinations, and voters can be assumed to have granted presumed consent for organ donation, why not allow perverted politicians to presume that animals have given their consent, too? After all, there's nothing too weird that would cause Weiner to actually quit the Mayor's race in humiliation... not even getting caught with a squirrel in his pants.
Question: How do you know when your sex addiction has gone too far?
Answer: When the photos of you and your sex partners that appear on the internet need a zoologist to interpret.
#10) The Sexting-For-Lunch-Money Teen Support Program - This program allows New York politicians to "sponsor" teenage college students by providing them lunch money in exchange for sexting photos. Mayor Weiner plans to support a LOT of teens with this program. After all, he's pro-education!
Got comments? Please post below. And just remember: After the first apology, I stayed silent. After the second, I held my tongue. But after the third, Weiner is fair game, folks. He is an embarrassment to men everywhere.
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