"There is no convincing evidence to show that gravity offers any health benefits whatsoever to people," FDA commissioner Dr. Wack Jobs said. "Accordingly, people should stop using gravity to alter their bone health and should, instead, rely on pharmaceuticals that have been rigorously tested and scientifically proven."
Also as part of the FDA's crackdown on gravity, all "bouncing" items such as trampolines, rebounders and exercise balls will be reclassified as medical devices and required to go through $800 million in clinical testing to prove they are safe before being sold to consumers. Even then, they will only be available with a doctor's prescription. To support the crackdown, the FDA warns that hundreds of children have already been harmed by trampolines, and that confiscating them is the only way to protect Americans from "these extremely harmful medical devices."
Armed raids will begin next week on sports stores, wholesale clubs, and retailers selling trampolines. The trampolines confiscated in such raids will reportedly be installed in the offices of FDA bureaucrats, allowing them to more easily bounce around ideas for oppressing the health freedom of everyday people.
Joining the skeptics, Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) and James "the Amazing" Randi offered a small stage illusion that appeared to reproduce the effects of gravity but was actually accomplished with three mirrors, two thin wires, a roll of duct tape and the scrotum of a raccoon. "This illusion proves that gravity is B.S." said Jillette, who is known for his participation in a television show of the same name. "If we can reproduce an illusion of something," Jillette added, "that proves it does not exist."
With gravity now being classified as a medical device, the FDA is closely examining other natural laws to see if there is an opportunity to establish regulatory authority over them as well. "We are looking closely at light," said one FDA official, "as we have seen outrageous health claims related to sunlight. We are actually considering banning the sun next year."
Other natural laws that may soon fall under the rule of the FDA include the laws of thermodynamics, motion and quantum physics. "We regulate everything in nature," explained an FDA bureaucrat. "Especially if it has any effect on human health."
In preparation for this resettlement plan, NASA is reportedly working hard on figuring out how to launch people into outer space without exploding them.
The FDA's new ban on gravity is expected to be a boon for sales of osteoporosis drugs. As bones get fragile, patients will turn to pharmaceuticals, spending billions of dollars and creating an economic boom, say drug company executives. "This is good for the U.S. economy. It's good for everyone," explained the CEO of ConPfuzer, one of the top manufacturers of drugs for osteoporosis.
In the mean time, anyone caught recommending gravity experiences of any kind (including exercise or roller coaster rides) will be arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license. If you hear of any such offenses, there is a reward of up to $5,000 for turning in your neighbor. Call 1-800-FDA-COPS to report violations in your neighborhood.