(NaturalNews) (Satire) In the wake of its exhaustive rollouts of Prime Music (all-you-can-listen music), Prime Video (all-you-can-watch video) and Prime Shipping (unlimited free shipping on all the stuff you buy), Amazon.com has just launched a breakthrough service that's sure to please hungry Americans looking for a bargain: PrimeGrocery brings all-you-can-eat processed food products as part of your $99 / year membership... but only on foods made from corn.
Amazon.com founder and celebrated business innovator Jeff Bezos announced the new expansion of its "Prime" offerings today, saying that corn-based processed grocery foods are "so inexpensive to manufacture from government-subsidized corn that it costs us virtually nothing to give them away in unlimited quantities."
Products covered under PrimeGrocery include corn flake cereals, corn tortillas, sodas made with high-fructose corn syrup, canned soups with corn, corn dogs, corn muffins, maltodextrin-based drink powders, citric acid-based fruit punch drink mixes, corn-based snack chips and even corn-fed beef products.
An Army of willing miniature pilots
The real bonus, however, is that all the corn-based groceries you order from Amazon.com will be delivered by Elven-piloted drones that land at your doorstep. The Elves work for tips only, however, so expect to pony up a few extra bucks if you don't want your groceries mysteriously "accidentally dropped" from altitude on return trips.
"Many people who eat a lot of corn are too immobile to go to the grocery store themselves," Bezos explained. "Now we can deliver corn right to their doorstep, requiring almost zero movement on their part and bringing the corn calories straight to their mouths just like ranchers do with animal feeding troughs."
The Elven pilots have been acquired through a strategic partnership with The North Pole, Inc. and its CEO Mr. Claus, who apparently only has a seasonal need for elves. "We get the Elves from January through October," Bezos explained, "but unfortunately for us, they are needed elsewhere during the Christmas season, so PrimeGrocery will be suspended during the months of November and December."
The drones that deliver the corn products are also powered by tiny combustion engines burning corn ethanol, providing year-round demand for America's struggling farmers who remain on the verge of bankruptcy because it's still illegal to grow industrial hemp in America.
As another bonus for neighborhood security, Google will be outfitting all Amazon Prime drones with overhead video surveillance recording cameras that will surveil private residential properties as the corn-based groceries are delivered. This data will be shared with the NSA to provide what the federal government calls its "PRIME neighborhood watch program" that spots "suspicious-looking people" such as parents teaching children how to grow vegetables that aren't corn.
You can never eat enough corn
The USDA praised the launch of PrimeGrocery, declaring that Americans "can never eat enough corn."
But when Doctor Oz appeared before the U.S. Senate and publicly questioned whether widespread consumption of corn syrups and corn-based factory foods might be contributing to America's worsening obesity problem, he was sharply scolded by Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill who called him a "Holocaust instigator" for trying to "starve the American people to death by denying them the corn they deserve."
As Oz attempted to explain that Americans would be healthier if they ate less corn and more fresh vegetables, fruits and healthy free-range meats produced without antibiotics, he was ordered arrested by the U.S. Senate police under suspicion that he might be an Al Qaeda operative. "Anyone who is against corn," declared Sen. McCaskill, "is an enemy of America."
Sen. McCaskill is from Missouri. 'Nuff said.
Eat all you want; we can grow more (until the top soil blows away)
American political leaders praised the PrimeGrocery announcement, calling it "a new golden era of unlimited food abundance for America, a nation where millions of people are starving."
America is the perfect place to grow corn using patented engineered seeds, chemical herbicides and pesticides, non-renewable fossil water supplies and enormous petroleum fuel resources for planting, harvesting, processing and transportation. "It's the perfect combination of sustainable abundance for strategic food security," remarked a top USDA official who declined to be named because he knew he was lying.
Fears that corn farming practices are using up all the top soils and water aquifers, leading to Dust Bowl conditions across Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas are "completely unwarranted," the official explained. "Even if we do create a Dust Bowl, the same Elves that pilot these drones can also be hired to sweep up all the dust. Problem solved!"
Corn, not porn
On its first launch day, PrimeGrocery unexpectedly signed up 17 million young male internet users due to a typo that declared the program offered "unlimited Porn" instead of "unlimited Corn."
The error has since been corrected, but millions of young males are now trying to figure out what to do with all the corn they've received. In response, U.S. Sen. Thad Cochran jumped in with some interesting solutions, explaining how "you can do all sorts of indecent things with farm animals" using corn. (SOURCE)
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