(NaturalNews) When HHS launched Healthcare.gov, it disastrously crashed. When Obama gave out the 800 number to call because the website didn't work, it also crashed. The Spanish language version of Healthcare.gov has completely crashed
, too, and according to reports, ZERO people have successfully enrolled in the state of New York
The Obama administration STILL can't name a single person who has successfully enrolled through Healthcare.gov and 300,000 Floridians are about to have their health insurance plans cancelled due to Obamacare
The number of people who have LOST their health insurance vs. the number who have enrolled is running somewhere around 100,000 to 1.
Chasing unicorns and fairy tales
ABC News recently reported on a man who spent 4.5 hours on the phone with the Obamacare hotline
and still couldn't get signed up. One man in Iowa claims to have finally logged in to Healthcare.gov after trying 100 times
. He wasn't even sure if he was enrolled yet, but he did receive a call from an insurance company congratulating him on being their first customer, almost as if he had won the lottery.
Apparently, finding someone who successfully enrolled and actually got insurance through Healthcare.gov is proving to be more difficult than locating a leprechaun riding a unicorn who leads you to a pot of gold at the end of a magical rainbow.
In a blistering satire bit about Healthcare.gov
, Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, asks, "So how are Democrats gonna spin this turd?"
The answer, of course, is to keeping pounding out the lies
because that's what worked to get Obama elected and then re-elected. So why stop now? The voters and the media have already swallowed some pretty big whoppers from the Obama administration -- like the promise that Obama was reducing the budget deficit even though he has DOUBLED the national debt to $17 trillion -- so the strategy becomes one of making the lies bigger and bigger until they reach a point of such absurdity that even a child can see it's all one great big lie.
The Emperor is butt naked
"Mommy, why is the Emperor naked?"
This "Moment of Duh" is coming soon for Obama. Right now, Obama is marching down the street butt naked with an entourage of people following him who are pretending to be holding up his extraordinary flowing robes and golden-threaded accoutrements. As he's walking, bathed in the glory and adoration of all who are watching, he's repeating mantras of "tech surge" and "the product is good!"
The onlookers, witnessing a naked President strolling down the street all breezy and open-air-like, are forcing themselves into a state of socially-reinforced self-delusion
by imagining not only that the man is wearing wonderful flowing robes, but that everyone also has affordable health insurance, too. Healthcare.gov works just fine, you see, if you just wish hard enough.
Reality shatters the delusions... but only for some
Such delusions are difficult to maintain when faced with the sobering reality of trying to log in at Healthcare.gov and actually buy health insurance. That's where reality shatters the illusion, and only the most ardent Obama worshippers can manage to maintain it in the face of undeniable reality. Fortunately for Obama, most of these people still work in the media.
Jay Carney, of course, is well practiced at denying reality and upholding illusion. His morning ritual begins with him looking in the mirror and repeating five times, "I look trustworthy, authoritative and sexy!" He has no idea, apparently, that CNN would quote everything he said even if he looked deceptive, ignorant and gross. It's not the content of what he says that makes it "factual" in the eyes of the media; it's just that it comes from the White House and therefore must be true because the Emperor is never wrong (and my, how amazing his clothes look, too!).
When it comes to Healthcare.gov, Carney honestly has no idea if he's even lying. Not that it matters, of course. The job is all the same to him whether his fingers are crossed behind his back or not. But he's not a computer programmer, as he openly admitted, thus he truly has no idea whether the computer code powering Healthcare.gov might actually function by January 1.
That job, it seems, is up to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the female Grand Moff Tarkin
of the Obama administration. Sebelius is famous for declaring that Healthcare.gov is "open for business!" even when the entire nation could clearly see that the site was a disastrous, shriveled mass of broken code. When Jon Stewart, an avid Obama devotee, dedicates an entire segment to making fun of the failure of the system, you know things are really, really bad for the White House.
Dutifully holding up the Emperor's flowing robes during the parade, Kathleen Sebelius is now apologizing for Obama
, saying he "did not know" about the website glitches while adding that she never even tried to sign up through Healthcare.gov because she "already has insurance."
Sebelius is fully wrapped up in the Emperor's New Clothes, and she's blowing out a line of B.S. that even makes professional swindlers cringe:The call center is open for business. We've had 1,100,000 calls. We've had 19 million people visit the website. Five-hundred thousand accounts created and people shopping every day. So, people are signing up and there's help in neighborhoods around the country that people can have a one-on-one visit with a trained navigator and figure out how to sign up. So people are able to sign up.
Ummm... what planet is Sebelius on, again? The 1+ million calls were from people who couldn't get the website to work. The 19 million visits were the BROWSER REFRESHES invoked by desperate people who kept getting error message and dead screens. When Sebelius says, "people are able to sign up," she's not willing to say how many people. Is it two? Ten? Maybe twelve? Why is this number so secret that it can't be released to the public who paid for it all?
Sebelius finally adds, "People are frustrated with a website, but the product is there."
Where, exactly? Healthcare.gov was touted as an amazing online shopping mall for discount insurance, a stairway to health care heaven that was supposed to work better than an iPhone and be cheaper than a cell phone bill. But the website we got -- after spending $600 million taxpayer money -- works worse than a Yugoslavian pickup truck yet costs more than a high-class hooker. Somehow, Obama says it is "exceeding expectations."
The answer here is Chuck Norris
Let me be the first to recommend the obvious answer to all these problems.
Healthcare.gov, meet Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the ultimate problem solver when it comes to computer code. And to prove it, he already counted to infinity... twice!
If Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together, he can certainly solve Healthcare.gov's pesky little problems. If he can cut scissors with paper, he can certainly fix a few "glitches." If Chuck Norris can order a Big Mac at Burger King... and actually get a Big Mac... he's clearly got the answers to all the problems with Healthcare.gov. After all, the government actually pays Chuck Norris taxes, and when genies want their wishes fulfilled, they ask Chuck Norris.
If you flip over China, it says, "Made by Chuck Norris" on the bottom. Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye, and bulletproof vests actually wear Chuck Norris for protection. Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero (gasp!) and once bowled a perfect game with nothing more than a marble. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why Chuck Norris jokes? Because if we're all going to pretend Obamacare is working and play around in fairytale land with Sebelius, Carney and Obama, we might as well bring in our own imaginary friends with superpowers just to keep things interesting. I think I'll throw in the Wonder Twins, too.
BOLD PROMISE: If Healthcare.gov is fully functioning before January 1, 2014, I will publicly challenge Chuck Norris to a fist fight. (And he will still win even with both hands in his pockets and his legs tied together and chained to the floor...)