(NaturalNews) (Outrageously inappropriate satire alert) Everyone in the world except Kathleen Sebelius has now come to the realization that Healthcare.gov is a disastrous failure. Three years and $600+ million into the project, the site is rapidly becoming famous as the most embarrassing smattering of broken code
that has ever been unabashedly declared by any government to be "functional."
None of this deters the courageous Kathleen Sebelius. In a seizure of irrational optimism, she recently declared the website is "open for business!" Indeed, it's open for business in exactly the same way a brand-new 100-story hotel with no elevators, no electricity and no toilets is open for business.
It looks great, in other words, until someone actually tries to use it.
Millions of people tried to use Healthcare.gov to sign up, yet none of them succeeded. The failure rate is
, to our best knowledge, 100%. This has been explained to us by Obama, Sebelius and others as proof positive that Obamacare is a raging success. It's so successful that the sheer demand of millions of people trying to enroll caused the entire system to collapse in a shivering pile of digital ooze from which it shall never be resurrected. By government standards, that's an extraordinary success.
And if Healthcare.gov never works ever again, it is surely somehow the fault of the Republicans because they're just a bunch of stodgy old men who rant about utterly irrelevant things like the national debt, freedom and the Constitution.
No, Sebelius is not smoking crack
What truly fascinates me in all this is how democrats like Kathleen Sebelius can whole-heartedly convince themselves that an error-infested, fatally-flawed website is, in fact, fully-functioning and maybe even kicking ass! Typically, when someone's bold claims seem at total odds with reality, we might say they are "smoking crack."
But Sebelius is no crack smoker. She's a sharp woman, as anyone can tell from her jaw line alone. Nope, her delusions are clearly powered by something far more creative than crack. I'm talking Timothy Leary-class substances here... the kind of stuff that can make you see miniature fantasy-land creatures popping into reality on your desktop and possibly even working to repair broken computer code in the way that only fantasy-land creatures can do.
Yep, it is my working theory that Kathleen Sebelius
is suffering from a bad acid trip
To support this effort, when people log on to the Healthcare.gov website, poodle-sized leprechauns will leap out of the computer monitors and magically enroll them in affordable health
care plans, even if such plans don't actually exist in the real world. It does not matter, of course, if your health insurance policy is a fantasy because your doctor is also operating in a total fantasy land where medications make people healthy and flu shots prevent the flu.
To keep prices "affordable" as promised by Obama
, Gandalf the Gray will magically appear and cast numerical transformation spells on all price quotes, turning large number into small ones. This is the opposite function of Saruman the dark wizard, who works for U.S. Treasury and magically transforms really small numbers (of national debt) into astonishingly large ones.
Speaking of magical staff, the entire Healthcare.gov support staff is standing by right now, ready to tell you that your experience in seeing the website fail over and over again isn't actually real. YOU are delusional, you see, if you don't believe in Kathleen's acid trip
. If you don't actually see the leprechauns, there's something terribly, terribly wrong with you. Especially since the entire Obama economic recovery plan depends on them.
Where's the acid when you really need it?
The only real problem with living under the Obama administration is that there's never enough acid to go around
. The mainstream media has a ready supply of acid
, of course, and so do Obama worshippers, many of whom carry extra hits in their dreadlocks. If you have enough acid, you will undoubtedly agree that Healthcare.gov is a shining example of the masterful government planning and deployment of a stupendous social program for the betterment of humankind.
And the Emperor's robes are expertly woven with brilliant golden threads, too, as anyone loyal to Obama the Emperor will attest.
And there's also a unicorn in my ass, which is exactly why I really, really need Obamacare
right now because I don't think I can afford the co-pay on "unicorn in my ass" medical bills. The X-Rays alone cost five hundred bucks. I only hope the radiologist has also taken a few hits of acid, or else he might not spot the unicorn at all. (Please do not ask me how I ended up with a unicorn in my ass. I'm just happy it's not a leprechaun.)
I apologize for not taking enough acid to believe the Obama dream
In case you were curious, I don't actually take acid. And this appears to be my entire problem.
See, when I listen to Obama speaking, I don't see the magical elves and the glittery fairytales he weaves for everyone else. What I see is a con man spouting lies. This is apparently all my fault, because I have failed to see through the lies in order to recognize "the dream."
The dream is where all the action is really at these days, apparently, and I'm missing out because I'm "stuck in reality" because I simply don't do enough psychedelic drugs to be susceptible to Obama's hypnotic inductions.
Users of hallucinogens such as LSD are able to "see images, hear sounds and feel sensations that seem very real but do not exist," according to DrugFreeWorld.org
. This is EXACTLY what is needed to fix Healthcare.gov! If users can be directed to see non-existent program messages like, "You are now enrolled," then Sebelius has this problem totally licked!
So I really would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Sebelius, Obama, and all the leprechauns too, for not believing they were real. I am completely out of order for ever mentioning that the Healthcare.gov website produces errors when clearly it only produces overwhelming happiness as long as users are sufficiently tripped out.
I promise to immediately seek out the nearest street dealer so that I, too, may join in the Obama dream with the help of mind-altering chemicals. By seeking out some Loony Toons, Purple Heart, Boomers, California Sunshine, Heavenly Blue, Window Pane, and Golden Dragon -- all street names for LSD, I have just learned -- I will strive to fully grasp and embrace the Obamacare dream of hope and change.
The muggle days are over for me, yes sir! No longer shall I wallow in the politically unacceptable realm of reality. From here forward, I shall pop as much acid as Sebelius, and I shall strive to be more hypnotizable so that Obama's speeches sound amazing and inspiring. Finally, I will achieve the American dream in my own head and join the masses in calling for yet more big government projects to masterfully solve our problems. At what point does the SNAP food stamp program cover street drugs, anyway?