Home
Newsletter
Events
Blogs
Reports
Graphics
RSS
About Us
Support
Write for Us
Media Info
Advertising Info

Monster mosquito panic! Global warming causes elephant-sized zombie mosquitoes to invade Florida; victims sucked dry (satire)

Saturday, June 15, 2013
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)
Tags: giant mosquitoes, Florida, national emergency

Giant mosquitoes

(NaturalNews) Giant mosquitoes the size of elephants are invading Florida and sucking so much blood out of victims that they shrivel up and die, warned health authorities in Seminole County. They're being called "zombie mosquitoes" because a bite from one of these massive mosquitoes -- which can weigh up to 200 pounds and can carry a full five gallons of blood -- leaves victims shriveled and pale, looking much like a zombie. Those few who have survived encounters with the creatures say being bitten by one feels "like being stabbed by a pitchfork."

The American Red Cross is hoping to find a way to hack the tiny brains of the zombie mosquitoes and install remote-control interface chips that would allow Red Cross volunteers to pilot the creatures as if they were blood donor drones. "This could drastically increase the success of our blood drives," one worker told Natural News. "We just have to train them to deposit the blood at a Red Cross collection location." Watch for the Red Cross Airborne Insect Platoon to be deployed soon.

There has been some confusion in the public response to the zombie mosquitoes. When a local television station warned that "the blood suckers are coming!" several local conservative non-profit groups thought that meant they were being raided by the IRS. The panic ended when they realized the more sobering truth. "It turns out it was only elephant-sized blood-sucking mosquitoes with a 20-foot wingspan," explained Melvin Mayhem. "Compared to the IRS, that's nothing."

The rise of the zombie mosquitoes is, of course, attributed to global warming. "The problem is that too many humans are exhaling and too many cows are farting," explained Al Gore, spokesperson for Blood and Gore, also known as Generation Investment Management (GIM). David Blood, CEO of the company -- and yes, that's his real name just look it up -- is excited that global warming might give rise to yet more blood-sucking creatures. (And no, I'm not referring to Al Gore himself.)

Police in Alabama are reportedly attempting to capture zombie mosquitoes in Florida so that they can be used at roadside checkpoints to take blood samples from innocent citizens. "If giant vampire mosquitoes take your blood, then we don't need a warrant," explained off-duty officer Peewee Powers. "We then extract the blood from the creature and submit it to the NSA for analysis and archiving."

McDonald's is urging Florida residents to "eat more cheeseburgers," which makes human blood resistant to mosquito sucking because it turns your blood to sludge. "Cheeseburgers can save your life," declares a new McDonald's television advertisement.

And yes, in case you haven't yet noticed, this article exists solely to make fun of all the highly-exaggerated reporting and fear mongering we're now seeing about the gallinippers mosquitoes now being spotted in Florida. News organizations are going bonkers over this mosquito, reporting that their bite feels like "a small knife wound." I'm not making this up. You can read this at Mother Nature Network.

That same story goes on to report, "Florida is about to be invaded by monster mosquitoes..."

Fox News also reports that mosquitoes "20 times" the size of normal mosquitoes "have swarmed Seminole County." Apparently we are all supposed to cower in terror.

"This mosquito was so big I actually called the Seminole County Health Department," reports one reader. Seriously. Will they call 911 next? That same story, by the way, also carries a quote from a reader who implies the mosquitoes were caused by global warming. (I swear I'm not making this part up.)

I say, well heck, why not declare martial law and call out the National Guard? Why not tell residents of Florida to "shelter in place," Boston-style, and have armed troops go door to door searching everybody's homes for mosquitoes? Apparently this is some sort of national emergency, right? I mean, they can FLY!

Call in the troops! Giant blood-sucking global warming insect zombie vampires are on the loose in Florida, and we need the government to save us!

Heeeeelp!

Receive Our Free Email Newsletter

Get independent news alerts on natural cures, food lab tests, cannabis medicine, science, robotics, drones, privacy and more.




About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.

comments powered by Disqus
Most Viewed Articles



Natural News Wire (Sponsored Content)

Science.News
Science News & Studies
Medicine.News
Medicine News and Information
Food.News
Food News & Studies
Health.News
Health News & Studies
Herbs.News
Herbs News & Information
Pollution.News
Pollution News & Studies
Cancer.News
Cancer News & Studies
Climate.News
Climate News & Studies
Survival.News
Survival News & Information
Gear.News
Gear News & Information
Glitch.News
News covering technology, stocks, hackers, and more