Carnival Cruise Lines president urges Triumph passengers to 'stop being so negative' about their 'unforgettable' cruise experience

Friday, February 15, 2013
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of (See all articles...)
Tags: Carnival cruise, cleansing, Law of Attraction

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(NaturalNews) (Satire) Carnival Cruise Lines needs to learn a lesson in public relations from the White House. First of all, never admit to any wrongdoing, even if the people you represent are knee-deep in s#!t. Cruise line customers, much like voters, are simply not qualified to understand what they are experiencing. They are obviously leaping to pessimistic conclusions about the reality around them.

"Stop being so negative," urged Carnival Cruise Lines president Janus Jacobson. "People need to focus on the positive, and the cruise experience will be more rewarding."

She then went on to explain that "you create your own reality" and that the only reason passengers were covered in s#!t is because "they brought that on board with them like baggage." It's the Law of Attraction, right? Thus, it's all the passengers' fault.

Jacobson went on to explain away specific concerns that have been brought to her attention by sickened passengers who described barely surviving in "vile" conditions:

• Those plastic bags handed out to passengers to defecate into are actually a new "green technology" known as "recycled food reclamation receptacles."

• The mattresses strewn across the decks in a shantytown arrangement aren't any sort of negative vacation experience; it's actually all part of a new feature called "ocean-side camping."

• Passengers aren't actually knee-deep in s#!t. Instead, they are enjoying yet another new feature of Carnival Cruise Lines called "composting at sea" where passengers get to see their own feces turned into compost to grow salad greens served on the next Carnival cruise!

• The lack of food on the cruise is part of Carnival's new "surprise weight loss experience" designed to reverse the 10 - 15 pounds customers usually gain on a cruise.

• The smell of smoke in the rooms, caused by the engine catching fire and burning up, was actually just an "delightful aroma of roasted coffee" that Carnival says was really coming out of the kitchen, not the engine room.

• The lack of electricity and air conditioning is part of Carnival's new age "sweat lodge cleansing experience," complete with vomiting and near-death experiences, both of which are designed to induce "spiritual visions" and turn you into a master of enlightenment.

As the Triumph docked this evening, Carnival Cruise Lines CEO Janus Jacobson declared victory for the passengers, saying, "This is the first cruise ever offered in which passengers actually lost weight rather than gaining it. People who want to lose weight will now be lining up to join our next cruise, featuring an all-you-can-eat parasite cleanse buffet with roasted black walnut hulls and castor oil."

See, there's nothing so bad that it can't be explained away using the same logic that the federal government uses to report unemployment numbers or inflation. Heck, passengers should be thanking Carnival Cruise Lines for delivering such an unforgettable Gulf of Mexico cleansing experience!

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is the founding editor of, the internet's No. 1 natural health news website, now reaching 7 million unique readers a month.

In late 2013, Adams launched the Natural News Forensic Food Lab, where he conducts atomic spectroscopy research into food contaminants using high-end ICP-MS instrumentation. With this research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products to low levels by July 1, 2015.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power, a massive research resource now featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released ten popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at

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