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(NaturalNews) When it comes to the energy problem facing Western civilization today, there's a lot of talk in Washington about doing something. But that's all it is: Talk. Senate talk. Congress talk. Presidential talk. Yabbing, jabbing, jawing poppycock and jibberish... none of it adds up to any useful solutions that would actually end our dependence on oil or embrace revolutionary ideas on renewable energy.
In fact, in observing all this, I've come to the conclusion that the only sure way to generate enough renewable energy to power the Western world is to install wind farms in front of the Senate podium, then focus those giant propellers on the constant stream of hot air spewing forth from the mouths of over-enthusiastic, under-informed politicians who insist on talking about eco-friendly ideas they have no intention of ever voting into law.
This strategy would at least turn the Senate floor into something useful: A hot air renewable energy machine powered by otherwise useless politicians.
Thinking outside the box on renewable energyThere are other valuable for renewable energy, however, such as capturing all the greasy farts of Taco Bell customers and funneling them into a methane bioreactor that generates unlimited electricity. You could install them right next to the drive-through windows at fast food restaurants, so you'd have the drive-through, followed by the fart-through, and as long as people keep eating greasy burritos, it's all renewable!
For other fast food restaurants, when all the frying grease in the kitchen is too contaminated with acrylamides to use for human consumption, even that can be poured into the diesel engines of cop cars, so every time a cop chases some speeder down the highway, it smells like extra crispy KFC.
Of course, let's not forget the idea of taking all the waste paper created by the U.S. tax code and fermenting it with cellulose-cracking microalgae that produce hydrogen gas as a byproduct of eating paper. Using this new technology, every April 15th could produce enough excess paper to power the entire planet three times over. This is also why we must keep the tax code intact, because any "reasonable" reforms would eliminate so much paper that there wouldn't be enough left to digest into fuel! (See, the tax code really does have a silver lining!)
There's also some merit to the idea of harvesting the extra hair oil from all the people who eat cheese and butter and somehow manage to choke down snack foods fried at high temperatures in dirt-cheap corn grease. When all those extra oils aren't clogging their pores and producing runaway facial acne, they could be drained into large barrels, collected by horse-drawn buggies and turned into biodiesel fuel using secret military petrochemical technologies that are currently only limited to the production of baby shampoo.
Real energy solutions are well within our reachYou see, America's energy problem (if you can even call it that) can be solved right now by simple ingenuity. We don't need to fight wars over oil, all we need to do is engage a bit of clever thinking and our energy problems are solved!
For example, instead of trying to prevent illegal aliens from crossing our borders, we could require that they each bring a gallon of gas with them as a cost of entry. And since a lot of them eat at Taco Bell, we also get the farting biofuel benefit from them as well! (Double benefits. Brilliant, huh?)
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Friday, August 15, 2008
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