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The FDA's Ministry of Language today announced that the English language has been suspended. From now on, all words will only mean what the FDA declares they should mean. The word, "Pasteurization," for example, will now mean any process used to kill microorganisms, including irradiation, spraying toxic chemicals and launching foods into the dark vacuum of space where they explode like Gallagher's watermelons.

Please disregard all previous definitions of words. They no longer apply in the world of FDA newspeak.

Tomorrow, the FDA could announce that "pasteurization" will suddenly mean jumping up and down barefoot on fresh produce with your tongue stuck frozen to a chilled flagpole, in which case all the food companies in the United States would suddenly have to comply. But for today, pasteurization has been announced by the FDA to mean the bombarding of food matter with high energy radiation. If this all seems rather extraneous, that's because it is. Pasteurization could just as easily be declared next week to be the soaking of fresh produce in moose drool.

Again, please disregard the definitions of all words in the English language. Words are meaningless now in the food and drug industries. They only mean what their promoters want them to mean.

Please note that all definitions are subject to change at any time, including the word "definition," which the FDA has threatened to change to mean, "the act of kissing one's own ass," which means that asking anyone for the definition of any word would be tantamount to a proposition bordering on sexual harassment. It is through this tactic that the FDA will stop cold the act of anyone asking for definitions of words.

Please disregard the word "organic"

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