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The FDA's Ministry of Language today announced that the English language has been suspended. From now on, all words will only mean what the FDA declares they should mean. The word, "Pasteurization," for example, will now mean any process used to kill microorganisms, including irradiation, spraying toxic chemicals and launching foods into the dark vacuum of space where they explode like Gallagher's watermelons.
Please disregard all previous definitions of words. They no longer apply in the world of FDA newspeak.
Tomorrow, the FDA could announce that "pasteurization" will suddenly mean jumping up and down barefoot on fresh produce with your tongue stuck frozen to a chilled flagpole, in which case all the food companies in the United States would suddenly have to comply. But for today, pasteurization has been announced by the FDA to mean the bombarding of food matter with high energy radiation. If this all seems rather extraneous, that's because it is. Pasteurization could just as easily be declared next week to be the soaking of fresh produce in moose drool.
Again, please disregard the definitions of all words in the English language. Words are meaningless now in the food and drug industries. They only mean what their promoters want them to mean.
Please note that all definitions are subject to change at any time, including the word "definition," which the FDA has threatened to change to mean, "the act of kissing one's own ass," which means that asking anyone for the definition of any word would be tantamount to a proposition bordering on sexual harassment. It is through this tactic that the FDA will stop cold the act of anyone asking for definitions of words.
Please disregard the word "organic"The USDA has joined with the FDA in its effort to suspend the English language and has announced that the word "organic" will no longer mean anything associated with what most people think of when they formerly used the word organic. Instead, it will mean any food product that was manufactured with the intention of selling it to organic consumers, regardless of whether or not the product itself was farmed and harvested using methods previously known as "organic." Thus, "organic" is now simply an on-package marketing gimmick, sort of like, "Now, 30% more FREE! And organic!"
The Almond Board of California has also joined the effort to suspend the English language. They are starting with the word, "raw," which the Almond Board insists should now mean heating almonds to a high temperature for a duration sufficient to kill virtually all microorganisms that might be hitching a ride on the almonds. This concept was formally known to rational people as "pasteurization," but will now be called "raw" according to USDA regulations.
If you connect the dots on all this, you come to the startling realization that irradiated, chemically treated nuts grown with pesticides will soon be labeled raw, organic nuts.
Why? Because raw = pasteurized and pasteurized = irradiated. Thus, raw = irradiated. Plus, conventionally grown = organic.
If this equation is a bit hard to follow, just follow this simple pattern found in an actual FDA press release:
Toxic products x Gullible consumers = Corporate profits
Welcome to the world of FDA newspeak. All dictionaries will now, by law, carry black box warnings telling readers not to trust what they read in those dictionaries. The FDA is the final authority over all language and will likely even change its name to the FDLA (the Food, Drug and Language Administration).
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Friday, October 19, 2007
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