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Today I'm bringing you something extra special: Health news from an alternate universe! In this alternate universe, logic is reversed, good is bad, and trees grow with their branches stuck in the dirt and their roots stretched high into the air. In this alternate universe -- which we'll call "Allopathia" -- there's lots of health news printed every day just like in our own universe. The difference is that their health news makes no sense.
Want to see a taste of it? Here are some of the health headlines that appeared earlier this week in the twisted universe of Allopathia:
Antioxidants will kill youAll this week, the news outlets in Allopathia were reporting that antioxidants greatly increased the rate of skin cancer. Nutrition, it seems, actually causes cancer in Allopathia, and the only way for people living in that alternate universe to protect themselves from skin cancer is to coat themselves with synthetic chemicals that, in our universe, actually cause cancer! But in Allopathia, those chemicals are apparently inert.
The universe of Allopathia, being a parallel universe to our own, has it's own version of the Food and Drug Administration. And just yesterday, their FDA announced they would regulate sunscreen -- a product that is neither a food nor a drug. And get this: They're going to give higher (better) ratings to sunscreen products that cause the greatest vitamin D deficiency to their citizens! Apparently, in the univers of Allopathia, the products that cause the most harm to the people receive the highest ratings from government regulatory agencies. Thank goodness our own FDA would never resort to such silliness.
The Allopathia press is also reporting this week that gastric bypass surgery is really good for you! The more people who undergo the barbaric procedure, we're told, the healthier the population will be. Removing huge sections of a person's digestive organs is, we're told, a great way to reduce their risk of heart disease. Apparently, it's even better than teaching people how to be healthy in their food and dietary choices. In Allopathia, surgery triumphs yet again!
Raw foods are not raw, they're pasteurized!The Allopathia version of the USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture) has announced that foods labeled as "raw" may now be pasteurized (i.e. "cooked" long enough to kill anything living). This is one of the many ways in which the Allopathia universe is twisted and upside-down: Raw is cooked, cooked is raw, genetically modified is safe, and wild foods and herbs are dangerous. Of course, in our own universe, we're not so stupid as to think that cooked = raw, but apparently, in Allopathia, this idea doesn't seem strange at all. (I wonder if they also subscribe to the ridiculous idea that war = peace…?)
More antipsychotics for children, coming right upAlthough we would never do such a silly thing in our own universe, FDA officials in Allopathia recently approved yet more psychotropic drugs for children. Yes, it's true: Children in Allopathia all suffer from underdiagnosed pharmaceutical deficiencies, requiring them to be treated with yet more chemical in order to "balance" their brain chemistry. The latest chemical, known as Risperdal, belongs to a class of mind-altering drugs that may also cause rapid weight gain. With its use now being approved in children as young as 10 years old (and with off-label use on infants as young as six months old), the increase in numbers of chemically-treated, obese angry young males is soon to follow. (Please wear Kevlar body armor in the public schools if you visit Allopathia any time soon…)
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Friday, August 24, 2007
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