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Nine airline passengers have filed a $1.3 million lawsuit against the tuberculosis man who cavorted around the world on a plane even after being told he was infected with a rare strain of TB. I'm not sure who takes the idiot prize on this one: The guy who hopped on a plane after learning he was carrying an infectious disease, or the nine passengers with suppressed immune systems who didn't even get TB but who still blame everyone else for their imagined problems. The only poetic justic in this story is that the TB guy is a personal injury lawyer, so he probably deserves to be named in a frivolous lawsuit.
In a related story, a Little Rock, Arkansas man smashed a hospital window in order to flee the hospital that was detaining him due to his own tuberculosis infection. The 50-year-old man apparently had no health insurance and couldn't afford treatment, so decided to escape to Cuba where he would be provided basic health services at no cost.
Look mommie, a half-naked Viagra bear!An 11-year-old child recently won a Viagra bear in a game at a Red Robin restaurant in Minneapolis, reports a local TV station. The cuddly bear sported a Viagra T-shirt but no pants. (It was a HALF-NAKED Viagra bear!) The child's parents were so disturbed by the event that they popped some Prozac and warned the child, "Just say no to medication for erectile dysfunction!"
Red Robin restaurants have pulled the Viagra bears from their game machines, replacing them with Prozac Pistols that let children simulate violent school shootings after taking psychotropic medications.
The FDA has approved a new Alzheimer's patch that delivers brain-saving drugs through the skin. The agency was so thrilled by the performance of the drug that they not only approved it, they MANDATED its use on anyone with poor brain function. A massive shipment of the skin patches are now on their way to the U.S. Senate, House of Representatives and the White House where it is hoped that the drug-laced skin patches will either restore normal brain function or remove some politicians from office due to toxic side effects.
Branding patients like cattle, American style!The American Medical Association has publicly announced its support for the microchipping of patients using tiny RFID transmitters injected under the skin. An AMA spokesperson explained, "The technology will allow us to keep better track of who we've killed," and emphasized that so many patients are now killed by AMA-supported medical procedures that it's becoming difficult to keep the bodies organized. "Thanks to technology, we will soon be able to track patients regardless of whether they've alive or dead," said the spokesperson. "It's all part of our commitment to the best health care system in the world!"
If the RFID tags don't work, U.S. health authorities have announced plans to simply barcode everyone instead. Talks are under way with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to corral Americans into "barcode camps" as a way to fight terrorism and defend freedom.
FDA discredits tomatoesSurprise! The FDA has announced a new research finding they claim proves that lycopene is a useless nutrient for preventing prostate cancer. This is on top of the "serious" scientific research undertaken by the agency proving that vitamin E will kill you, that herbs are dangerous to everyone and that human beings are actually made of tiny medication capsules that need to be replenished from time to time.
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