 NetFlix is the best service in the world for renting an unlimited number of cracked, scratched and otherwise unplayable DVDs. Through my NetFlix membership, I have been able to rent a shattered version of Oceans Eleven, a scratched-beyond-belief edition of The Bridges of Madison County, and a rare, limited copy of Citizen Kane that looked like it had gone through the San Francisco municipal recycling station (and still managed to make it out in the basic shape of a DVD disc).
The NetFlix website offers an amazing catalog of pre-scratched, cracked, broken and otherwise marred DVDs, along with an impressive recommendation system that says things like, "People who liked the cracked Oceans Eleven movie also enjoyed the crushed DVD of Fantastic Four."
Why is NetFlix such a great deal? Because renting damaged DVDs is far less expensive than buying and destroying your own DVDs. And if you buy your own DVDs from Best Buy, for example, then accidentally find them in your kitchen garbage disposal after griding up the turkey bone leftovers of a Thanksgiving dinner, you can't take it back for a refund. But you can with NetFlix! Just mail the movie back in any physical form whatsoever -- cracked, pitted, shattered, crushed, chewed, mutilated or mangled -- and the NetFlix company will happily forward your DVD to the next customer waiting for it.
And if, by chance, you receive a DVD from NetFlix that isn't already damaged, simply ask your mail carrier to FOLD all your mail, no matter how difficult that may seem, so that it fits into your tiny, overstuffed mailbox full of useless coupons for toxic laundry detergents and cancer-causing body care products. Folded DVDs, by the way, do not play very well. Unless, of course, it's a DVD of Ben Affleck's failed movie Gigli, in which case the playable and damaged versions of the DVD look exactly the same on screen.
Seriously, this is all just a humorous exaggeration. NetFlix is a great service, and most of the DVDs they send out aren't really damaged. Not at first, at least. But then U.S. Postal Service employees get their hands on the DVDs and from there, nobody has any idea what really happens behind that USPS counter. I personally suspect the mail people go postal on the DVDs and use them as drink coasters and frisbees for a day and a half, then they deliver the ones they don't want to keep for themselves.
I wouldn't be surprised if Netflix's opinion of the U.S. Postal Service has been shattered (along with a couple million DVDs).
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