Millions of Americans affected by Television Deficiency Disorder (TDD) - (satire)

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More than thirty-five million Americans may currently be suffering from a newly-discovered disorder that affects brain chemistry, behavior and health: Television Deficiency Disorder, or TDD for short. Based on work by Dr. Anne Tennah, a psychiatrist who specializes in brain chemistry disorders, this little-known disorder is now thought to be more widespread than ADHD and Bi-Polar combined.

Television Deficiency Disorder is a serious condition brought on by a lack of television programming. Victims display excessive intelligence quotients (I.Q.s), an exaggerated sense of self esteem, and "suspiciously high" levels of physical activity that keep them strangely thin. "These victims stray from societal norms," explained Dr. Tennah. "With their heightened cognitive function but lack of exposure to sitcoms, reality shows and shaped news programs, they are unable to interact with normal people in society."

Dr. Anne Tennah suggests that victims of TDD be prescribed additional television programming. "Parents especially need to make sure their children receive at least two to three hours of television programming per day," she said. "Otherwise, they may grow up imbalanced and require medication."

The medications used to treat Television Deficiency Disorder have, coincidentally, just been approved by the Fraud and Drug Administration. Manufactured by ConPhuzer, a Big Pharma giant, the drugs are stimulant amphetamines similar to those prescribed for ADHD, but with much higher potency. "These drugs put children in a quiet, receptive state where they can sit in front of the television for hours and soak up all the programming they need," explained Dr. Tennah. "They're miracle drugs. I intend on prescribing them to all my patients."

Share prices for ConPhuzer rose $2.37 on the news of the drug approval by the FDA, and then leaped another $12.62 on the announcement that Television Deficiency Disorder had been discovered. This thrilled major ConPhuzer shareholders such as the ghost of Kenneth Lay, the former CEO of Enron who is now apparently immune to all insider trading crimes because he is no longer living.

Most of the people who need treatment for Television Deficiency Disorder are not receiving it, say members of non-profit patient advocacy groups. They offer free screenings to the public in order to help people determine if they, too, may suffer from undiagnosed Television Deficiency Disorder. Screenings are held with very large screens to maximize the disorder detection accuracy.

Doctors also now believe that Television Deficiency Disorder is genetic. "If your parents didn't watch much television, chances are that you won't either," explained Dr. Tennah. "That puts you at high risk for TDD disorder, and treatment is recommended to prevent the disorder in all high-risk patients."

Television and cable news channels are also urging the public to be tested. "This rising problem of Television Deficiency Disorder may explain our plummeting ratings," said Freeh Quincy, the director of programming for MSNBCBS. "We are doing our part to help eradicate this disease by taking millions of dollars from drug companies and running their advertisements alongside news reports that highlight the disorder."

Even as tens of millions of Americans may now be suffering from Television Deficiency Disorder, third world countries are hit even harder. "Many countries don't even have televisions," warned Dr. Anne Tennah, "And as a result, they are in the midst of widespread TDD epidemics that are worse than AIDS." International aid is being organized to help bring such countries more television programming, along with western junk food restaurants, drug companies and soda giants to support the advertising requirements of local television shows. "The more television we can bring these people, the better off they will be," Dr. Tennah said. "We must spread American culture throughout the world in order to save everyone."

Back in the United States, parents, schoolteachers and librarians are being urged to help boost the television time of children. They are also warned that reading, exercising, family interaction and play time all interfere with quality television programming, so such activities should be limited, psychiatrists say.

Finally, psychiatrists are also urging all parents to realize that this report is a satire piece, meaning that it is entirely fictitious. It does serve, however, as a metaphor for the incessant disease mongering and "screening & treatment" scams being operated today by drug companies, disease non-profit groups and the psychiatric community. So-called disorders ranging from ADHD to "social anxiety disorder" are invented, promoted and sold to the public in order to convince people they need expense pharmaceuticals to lead healthy lives. The effort has nothing to do with health, but everything to do with generating profits for Big Pharma.

Remember: The best way to get people to buy more drugs is to first convince them they have a disease. And the easiest way to do that? Make up a disease based on behavior, not physiology, then buy off all the industry experts to help publicize your newly-invented disease. Throw a few million dollars at the media, sneak a fraudulent study into the medical journals, threaten to blackball researchers who try to tell the truth, and -- voila! -- you've just invented a billion-dollar industry selling drugs to people who don't need them.

This is how medicine operates today, where virtually every popular health condition from breast cancer to high cholesterol is over-diagnosed, over-treated and over-marketed to a gullible public who are far too easily manipulated by television programming.

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