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Secret recipe revealed for next wave of pharmaceuticals (satire)

Friday, March 03, 2006 by: Mike Adams (see all articles by this author) | Key concepts: pharmaceuticals, clinical trials and natural health

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I recently donned a disguise and was able to sneak into the pharmaceutical laboratory of ConPfuzer Pharmaceuticals. After bribing a couple of low-grade lab technicians grumbling about the falling value of company stock options, I got my hands on a document revealing the secret recipe for the firm's next new wave of pharmaceuticals!

I openly share this with you in an effort to bring attention to what's actually going into these drugs. You'll be shocked!

Here's the recipe revealed in the document:

Top Secret Recipe For ConPfuzer's New Pharmaceuticals

Gather the following ingredients:
  • 1 part dirt-cheap chemical ingredients purchased at wholesale prices from Germany.
  • 2 parts FDA nodding, winking and rubber stamping for fast-track drug approval.
  • 3 parts propaganda, blasted into consumers' heads through mass media advertising.
  • 1 part public relations by donating a million dollars to a non-profit front group that uses overly ambitious disease "screening" to recruit more patients for our drugs.
  • 1 part illegal experimentation on impoverished children in third world countries.
  • 2 parts fictitious disease mongering through non-profit disease front groups, in order to create demand for a product that no one really needs.
  • 10 parts dextrose and other fillers so that the finished product looks like it has some substance.
  • 1 part actual clinical trials determining whether the drug is safe (optional, can be replaced with imaginary clinical trials and fictional results if desired).
Combine all ingredients in a large baking bowl. Mix together with pseudo-scientific medical jargon and a dash of corporate greed. Toss in a bankrolled panel of FDA decision panel members and wait for the mixture to rise. If they object, give them some dough.

Once the mixture has risen, cook the research results until the desired consistency is achieved. Remove from oven, wipe off the fraudulent research results (which sometimes bubble to the surface), and allow to cool.

Warning: Do not touch the mixture while the marketing department is cooking the research results, or you may get burned.

Once the mixture has cooled, divide into tiny tablets, calculate the cost of ingredients and multiply by 472 to set the "fair market" retail price. Deliver to the marketing department which will then determine which medical claims can be made in television ads and where to find enunciation artists who can say "involuntary anal discharge" (and other side effects) faster than a hyperactive auctioneer on speed.

Warning: Do NOT sample the mixture while making the recipe, as the chemicals we use have been found to be quite toxic.

This recipe document has been embedded with transdermal drugs that promote dementia (a standard ingredient in all our drugs). You will now forget you ever read this.

About the author: Mike Adams is a holistic nutritionist with a passion for teaching people how to improve their health He has authored more than 1,500 articles and dozens of reports, guides and interviews on natural health topics, impacting the lives of millions of readers around the world who are experiencing phenomenal health benefits from reading his articles. Adams is a trusted, independent journalist who receives no money or promotional fees whatsoever to write about other companies' products. In 2007, Adams launched EcoLEDs, a manufacturer of mercury-free, energy-efficient LED lighting products that save electricity and help prevent global warming. He's also the founder and CEO of a well known email mail merge software developer whose software, 'Email Marketing Director,' currently runs the NaturalNews email subscriptions. Adams also serves as the executive director of the Consumer Wellness Center, a non-profit consumer protection group, and pursues hobbies such as Pilates, Capoeira, nature macrophotography and organic gardening. He's also author of numerous health books published by Truth Publishing and is the creator of several consumer-oriented grassroots campaigns, including the Spam. Don't Buy It! campaign, and the free downloadable Honest Food Guide. He also created the free reference sites HerbReference.com and HealingFoodReference.com. Adams believes in free speech, free access to nutritional supplements and the ending of corporate control over medicines, genes and seeds. Known as the 'Health Ranger,' Adams' personal health statistics and mission statements are located at www.HealthRanger.org

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