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I recently donned a disguise and was able to sneak into the pharmaceutical laboratory of ConPfuzer Pharmaceuticals. After bribing a couple of low-grade lab technicians grumbling about the falling value of company stock options, I got my hands on a document revealing the secret recipe for the firm's next new wave of pharmaceuticals!
I openly share this with you in an effort to bring attention to what's actually going into these drugs. You'll be shocked!
Here's the recipe revealed in the document:
Top Secret Recipe For ConPfuzer's New PharmaceuticalsGather the following ingredients:
- 1 part dirt-cheap chemical ingredients purchased at wholesale prices from Germany.
- 2 parts FDA nodding, winking and rubber stamping for fast-track drug approval.
- 3 parts propaganda, blasted into consumers' heads through mass media advertising.
- 1 part public relations by donating a million dollars to a non-profit front group that uses overly ambitious disease "screening" to recruit more patients for our drugs.
- 1 part illegal experimentation on impoverished children in third world countries.
- 2 parts fictitious disease mongering through non-profit disease front groups, in order to create demand for a product that no one really needs.
- 10 parts dextrose and other fillers so that the finished product looks like it has some substance.
- 1 part actual clinical trials determining whether the drug is safe (optional, can be replaced with imaginary clinical trials and fictional results if desired).
Combine all ingredients in a large baking bowl. Mix together with pseudo-scientific medical jargon and a dash of corporate greed. Toss in a bankrolled panel of FDA decision panel members and wait for the mixture to rise. If they object, give them some dough.
Once the mixture has risen, cook the research results until the desired consistency is achieved. Remove from oven, wipe off the fraudulent research results (which sometimes bubble to the surface), and allow to cool.
Warning: Do not touch the mixture while the marketing department is cooking the research results, or you may get burned.
Once the mixture has cooled, divide into tiny tablets, calculate the cost of ingredients and multiply by 472 to set the "fair market" retail price. Deliver to the marketing department which will then determine which medical claims can be made in television ads and where to find enunciation artists who can say "involuntary anal discharge" (and other side effects) faster than a hyperactive auctioneer on speed.
Warning: Do NOT sample the mixture while making the recipe, as the chemicals we use have been found to be quite toxic.
This recipe document has been embedded with transdermal drugs that promote dementia (a standard ingredient in all our drugs). You will now forget you ever read this.
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Friday, March 03, 2006
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