FDA Approves New Drug for Treatment of Brown's Grass Disease (satire)

Dr. Rick Johnson from Southern Duke University led the research and said, "We've discovered that Brown's Grass Disease is caused by a change in the chemical pigmentation of the blades of grass found in the lawns. This pigmentation is clearly a chemical balance that must be corrected with the appropriate pharmaceuticals, and Pigment Max has been found to be the perfect pharmaceutical for treating Brown's Grass Disease."

Samples of Pigment Max are now being distributed by its maker to lawn doctors around the country, who will soon be prescribing Pigment Max to homeowners in large quantities. Pigment Max can be safely spread on lawns and even introduced into the water supply, so that lawns are automatically dosed with Pigment Max in order to prevent Brown's Grass Disease. Many lawn doctors have signed up to promote the new drug, Pigment Max, even going so far as to state that they plan to use Pigment Max on their own lawns for as long as they live.

Doctors are clearly convinced of the value of Pigment Max: "The scientific studies show a direct link between chemical imbalances and loss of green pigmentation in grass," said one sponsoring doctor, "And Pigment Max is the only drug I know of that can correct this imbalance."

While sales of Pigment Max are expected to reach $2.2 billion over the next 5 years due to a massive wave of popularity about the promising drug, not everyone agrees that Pigment Max is needed. One noted lawn nutritionist has pointed out that these lawns simply need water, not drugs, and if given water they would turn green all by themselves. The nutritionist has been pronounced a "quack" by the community of lawn doctors, and the FDA has threatened to pursue criminal charges against the nutritionist for practicing medicine without a license by recommending the use of water as a medical treatment. In his own defense, the nutritionist stated, "It seems quite clear that these brown lawns are simply suffering from dehydration. It is well known throughout the world that simply watering the lawns will make them appear green, thereby reversing Brown's Grass Disease."

In rebuttal, Dr. David Goodman, who is also featured in promotional literature distributed by the maker of Pigment Max, stated, "There is absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever that water or any other alternative therapy can treat Brown's Grass Disease. This disease is a clinical chemical imbalance, and the scientific evidence clearly shows that Pigment Max is the only effective treatment for reversing Brown's Grass Disease. It is also the only treatment that has been approved by the FDA."

In related news, Walgreen's stores have stated they will start carrying Pigment Max and promoting it to homeowners and commercial accounts. They expect Pigment Max to be a best-seller in the years ahead, perhaps equaling the sales revenue generated from antidepressant drugs.

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