Bird flu solved! Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) to deport all undocumented birds (humor)
 Tuesday, November 15, 2005by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: bird flu, satire, health news |
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Official Department of Homeland Insecurity Memo
Due to a heightened state of alert concerning the bird flu virus, the Department of Homeland Insecurity has determined that birds will no longer be offered unrestricted access to United States airspace.
As of January 1, 2006, all migratory birds will be required to arrive at international airports where Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) personnel will check for proper travel documentation and clear the birds for entry into the United States, provided they are not carrying undeclared fruit, which is even more dangerous than bird flu.
All birds wishing to enter this country will be required to carry passports, proof of immunizations, and entry visas. Birds who do not have visas will be charged (ducks will be billed) a flat $250 entry fee which must be paid three separate times, at three different government offices, after standing in three different lines as per standard INS regulations.
All undocumented birds shall here forth be deemed "terrorists."
Birds entering U.S. airspace without proper authorization will be escorted by military aircraft to the nearest landing facility. Birds ("terrorists") that approach the Pentagon or White House will be fired upon with bird-seeking air-to-air missiles. All such violence will be televised by Fox News in a glitzy special entitled "Terror from above!"
The Department of Homeland Insecurity is requesting that all hunters and N.R.A. members assemble on the U.S. / Mexico border and shoot anything that appears to be flying. This includes UFOs, which are required to be videotaped with low-resolution video cameras held by people experiencing epileptic seizures.
Birds attempting to illegally cross the U.S. / Canada border in order to gain entry will be rounded up by volunteer bird watchers armed with high-powered binoculars and delivered to Tyson Foods' Guantanamo Bay Division for interrogation at the hands of experienced bird torturers. (Torture photos will be posted online by Dick Cheney.)
Parrots that unquestioningly repeat everything they hear may be offered jobs as reporters covering the White House beat.
Birds who attempt to impersonate chickens will be eaten by Morgan Spurlock.
Birds whose migratory patterns are disrupted by this Homeland Insecurity action will be offered assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA), which is standing by with five thousand tons of ice that was never delivered to hurricane Katrina victims and still hasn't completely melted.
All bird houses owned by U.S. citizens must be registered with federal officials under Chapter IV, Section 8 of the Patriot Act. Citizens caught harboring undocumented birds in undeclared bird houses will be deemed "enemy combatants" and subjected to the whims of Tyson Foods foul interrogators.
All birds made of white meat are hereby requested to report to their nearest INS facility for processing into Chicken McNuggets.
Questions about these policies should be directed to the U.S. Department of Agriculture's food pyramid website, which has the same answer for everyone: "Drink more milk."
The Department of Homeland Insecurity, Multiplication Division
Authored by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. Permission to distribute or repost is granted, provided credit is given to Mike Adams at http://www.NewsTarget.com/013054.html
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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the "Health Ranger") is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.
Adams is a person of color whose ancestors include Africans and Native American Indians. He's also of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his "Health Ranger" passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.
Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world's first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.
In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.
In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.
With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.
Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed "strange fibers" found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health "gurus," dangerous "detox" products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.
Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.
In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over a dozen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.
Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.
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